The Deacons Drank The Wine!

There are experiences I had as a child that absolutely mortified me, but now that I am an adult I can look back at them and laugh. Why do so many of those experiences involve an LDS chapel and a man named Mr. Lucius? Mr. Lucius was a family friend who often accompanied my Grandmother when she attended church with my family. He was a retired school bus driver, with a mouth full of dentures, who spoke like he was constantly chewing on a biscuit. No one could ever understand what Mr. Lucius was saying. Unless of course the speech was going to be so embarrassing that you slumped deep down into and prayed that you could disappear. Those were the times when he spoke ever so clearly.

Mr. Lucius was a Bible thumpin, foot stompin, Southern Baptist. My siblings and I had long ceased to be phased by the Amen’s and Hallelujahs he enthusiastically shouted to the confused Sacrament Meeting speakers. In fact we often coaxed him into a few, but on this particular Sunday…oh boy!

During the passing of the Sacrament, the time when the chapel is most silent, Mr. Lucius grabbed the wrist of the Deacon, who had just finished passing us the water and loudly proclaimed….

“Them lil’ alter boys done drunk all the wine and filled these cups with water!”

Oh my goodness!… I wanted to die… and be resurrected in a time when Mr. Lucius had all his teeth, but never ever, ever opened his mouth…And why was he looking at us with that triumphant grin on his face, like he had just cracked an unsolved mystery. In my head I was screaming SIT DOWN, YOU ARE NOT COLUMBO!

My parents quietly tried to explain to a disbelieving Mr. Lucius, that the Deacons had not in fact drank any wine, and that the cups were intended to be filled with water. As the Deacon who was trying desperately to hold back his laughter collected the tray, I thought to myself…I will never live this down.

After the meeting, as I took my long slow walk of shame to Primary, I offered a fervent prayer…Dear God, please let it be true…am I adopted?

Sista Laurel

Am I the only one who has ever been embarrassed in the chapel?

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9 comments

  1. That is hilarious! I bet he broke the place up with his joke, and never let on he was kidding. I wish I’d been there.

  2. Tatiana, I wish I could say he was kidding! The man was dead serious, and didn’t want to hear a thing about Mormons not drinking wine. He kept saying Jesus didn’t drunk water, he drunk wine! If you wanted to be there you should have let me know, I would have traded places with you in a heartbeat…lol

  3. Too funny. Personally I like a few Hallelujahs. While we were listening to Conference last weekend, during Elder Holland’s talk I let loose with a Testify Brother and Hallelujah myself.

    I am embarrassed by my kids in Sacrament Meeting. During Desert Storm my oldest son Tex about 3 at the time, who is now a RM, stood up during the Sacrament and yelled, “I AM SUDDAM HUSSEIN AND I AM A BAD MAN!!” Apparently Mike and I were watching too much CNN.

  4. Waaa haaaa….. you can count on old folks for entertainment value!!! Mind you I’d have been disgruntled about the lack of wine as well! ;-)

    Hilarious!

    Happy SITS saturday sharefest. Thanks for stopping by my blog!!

    LBM xxx

  5. The Sunday before conference was our Primary program. I was sitting in the back row, and I fell asleep during the program. A developmentally disabled man left the chapel (why, I don’t know) and as he walked by me, he said to me, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Wake up!”.

    Later on, he told me I was talking in my sleep.

  6. I’ve been embarrassed in church quite a bit! I can’t think of a story at the moment, but oh, it happens!

    I love public speaking but I’m terrified to pray in public!

  7. Haha thats a great story! I can’t think of any personally (well that make a good story. Normally I’m just embaressed by my kids wallowing on the ground and under the pews) but I do have one from a friend.

    Her 2 year old was learning to talk and they’d often bring toys for him to play with during the hour long meeting. Well one day he wasn’t obeying so the mom took away his truck and he yelled for it back, only he couldn’t say his “tr’s” so instead it came out like a four letter f word. At the top of his lungs.

  8. my wife left me with all of the children once. our youngest at the time had some medical problems, so his doctors said to breast feed him longer, he could walk and talk and was still breast feeding. i had to give the closing prayer and my youngest who was hungry by the end of the meeting, stood up on the pew in the middle of my prayer and said “daddy i’m hungry, i want titty!”

    needless to say he was weened immediatley.

    great blog sistas cant wait to see what you write next.

  9. All during sacrament meeting I was sitting there thinking about you girls and this site. We let my 2 year old son take his new flashlight key chain with us to church today (he just got it from my mother in law).

    They were reading off the new callings and there is this CRAZY LOUD noise–like a fire drill going off. It’s my sons new toy. I’m not kidding, it was like a date rape alarm on this flashlight. I was in the smack middle of the long pews in the middle so I couldn’t rush out so I grabbed the thing and muffled it between my leg and the bench. Then he hands me the keychain part.

    Apparently he had ‘pulled the pin’ we didnt know it had and the alarm was sounding. I handed that part to my hubby who was on the end and he leaned over and got the other part from under my leg and made a dash for the door. SOOO embarrassing. My face was bright red but so many folks came up afterward laughing about it so I’m ok now. :)

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