That Ain’t Right!

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Once we were visiting a Baptist church with some friends. The Pastor was giving a sermon on…well we aren’t exactly sure. At some point he began a tangent we like to call “That ain’t right.”

It went a little something like this: If yo Priest lives in the big house and ya parishioners live in the po house, that ain’t right! If the Reverend has a chef, and the congregation eats whatever’s left, that ain’t right! If ma Minister got a real nice suit, and all the church folk got holes in they shoes, that ain’t right!

Then he looked right over at us and said, if the Bishop got a BMW spinnin’ on dubs (fancy rims) and the members drive a Pinto that needs a jump start and a shove, THAT AIN’T RIGHT! Whaaat! We looked at each other, we looked at the Pastor, was he for real trying to call us out for being Mormon in front of the entire congregation.

Another time at a different church the Reverend was inviting people to come up to be prayed for. When no one was coming up on their own the Reverend decided to call for those who needed prayers.

It went a little something like this: This young sister right here is 20 years old has three kids, two baby daddies and a one baby on the way, let us pray for her. Church this brother came into my office and said Reverend, I have transgressed. Church do you remember that he has been in AA? Well he has not been attending his meetings and just this morning he had a sip. Let us pray.

This got us thinking how glad we are that the LDS church does not have a portion of Sacrament meeting where we can share other peoples business or call people out. Can you even imagine it! You know that sister or brother in your ward that gets up every Fast and Testimony Meeting and tells all their business and we’re all thinking TMI, TMI, TMI! Well imagine if they could tell yo business.

It would probably go a little something like this: I just wanted to take this opportunity to share my testimony. I’m grateful for the Word of Wisdom and how it has been a protection to me and my family, let me be the first to admit that I struggle with the need to drink a diet coke occasionally, but it is nothing compared to the trials that Brother Brown and his family have to deal with because of his addiction to alcohol.

I promised myself I wasn’t going to do this, (as she starts to do the Relief Society fan and cry) but I’m so grateful for Sister Leak, she is such an example to me of the type of mother I’d like to be to my children. I mean, she makes it look so easy raising all those children alone. I don’t think I would be strong enough to send my children to their fathers (plural) homes knowing that they were being taught things there that are contrary to what we believe. But she has faith that things are going to work out and that Heavenly Father is aware of their needs and she has been right so far. She is such an amazing example of a woman of faith. I know that if I can learn to have faith like her, that Heavenly Father will remember and not forget me.

Brothers and Sisters, as Bishop, I am shocked at the long pauses between testimonies. There are many of you here who have had your testimonies strengthened just this week. For instance you there Sister Jones, the Lord has blessed you, the DNA test could have gone the other way, but it did not. You and Brother Jones are now blessed with a family. Come up and testify of how God answers fervent prayers.

Let’s all take a deep breath and on the count of three say it together…1-2-3, That Ain’t Right!!! Like our Aunty use to say, “If the Lord ain’t talking about it, neither should you!”

God is Great,
Sista Beehive & Sista Laurel

  • Y’all just flat out crack me up! It never ceases to amaze me when people feel like they have the right to share anybody’s business in public (including those unfortunate souls who think the world wants to know theirs!).

    We had a gentleman years ago who (God bless him!) would stand and CONFESS to things that should only have been spoken of behind the closed door of the Bishop’s office. But this poor soul believed he was doing the congregation a FAVOR by sharing his life story and airing his personal dirty laundry.

    I think I might get over the shock in about 20 more years… or not.

    Y’all keep churning out the blogs! I’m loving the perspective and the humor!

  • Sharing other people’s business is called gossip. And a gossiping pastor…now, that ain’t right. Even if does drive a worse car than I do.

    This is so funny, but to be serious for a minute. Why is it that people think it ain’t right that other people have nicer things than they do? God never created man to be have everything the same. If he did, we’d all be walking around like clones. Please enlighten.

  • Sue

    You are too funny. The testimony meeting scenario cracked me up.

    =D

  • Sue

    Hilarious!

  • I agree completely with everything you said, Alice.

  • Aaah! Oh how I LOVE what your good Aunty use to say!!! Right on!

  • AMEN!

  • Recently discovered you, am enjoying the insight.

    Testimony meeting might be more interesting in the alternate universe you described though…just sayin’.

  • Anonymous

    I am so glad you are here to put into words what I know I’ve wanted to scream out for years!Keep up the hilarity and the honesty! Love you guys!!!

  • Ouch! I think that I would run away, far away and don’t think I would be able to go back. Ever. Literally able.

  • K

    Amen & Amen!

  • Thank you! I am also grateful that our meetings don’t go that way! Thanks for the laugh and the thoughts that will linger.

  • Im a Holla back girl on this one! I used to think I wanted to be the Angel Shouting the sins of the people from the roof tops. Then I realized I was included in some of those sins! Thank goodness for Privacy within the walls of the Gospel. HOLLALUYER

    http://ablackmormongirl.blogspot.com/
    A Black Mormon girl.. AKA ShaBANG~

  • You two are too funny, thank you, thank you! I’m still laughing about that bishop with the beamer.

  • Love it today!! You are so right too! Kind of reminds me of that old Ray Steven’s song, “The day the squirrel went to church”. I too, have been in places where they called me out for my beliefs, and let me just say, it is so uncomfortable.

  • Oh my stars and stripes! It’s so late and I’m trying not to wake the Hubs — but I think I need to jab him in the ribs to hear this one!

    The sad things is that we do sometimes do this on a smaller scale. I can’t tell you the number of times I got the “We understand it’s different for you because your parents are divorced.” Really? Different? Do I get an express line to Heaven then — cool!

  • I don’t know, I think it might be kind of fun to be sitting in that congregation (assuming I don’t have multiple baby daddies and I said no to that 2nd shot the night before).

  • Gotta give props to that preacher for his cute rhymes though! Love the BMW vs. pinto line.

    In my parents ward in Chino they recently had a calling out in sacrament meeting. The Bishop had to shoosh them but still, I laughed so hard at this one. Testimony bearer: “A certain person really hurt me….” Audience member: “Ah, just tell us who it is!” Another audience member: “It’s Brother Jones he’s talking about.”

    You can’t make that kind of stuff up. Personally, I am still on the committee to install a trap door underneath the pulpit for the TMI testimony bearers. Sigh.

  • @Alice The Pastors “That ain’t right” speech was about paid clergy having alot and living well while the church members struggled.

    After the service that day, the Pastor actually asked us how we liked the service (Girl, yes he did!) We explained to him that LDS Bishops are not paid and that our tithing does not go towards paying the Bishops living expenses, LDS Bishops have jobs outside of their church callings.

    We also let him know that we had seen his shiny Escalade out in the parking lot when we pulled up that morning. He just chuckled at that.

  • thanks for your reply. It just irks me that people actually believe that all people should have equal stuff. I think even when we live the law of consecration nothing is going to be exactly equal. That is one of our intended challenges and important lessons…to just be happy with what we have…even if everyone around us seems to have more. This is totally hilarious. But, I guess I am not like the rest of your readers, I really don’t have a problem when people air their dirty laundry. In fact I wish that members of the church could be a little more honest about their struggles instead of only sharing the things that make them look good. But, most definitely it ain’t right for people to air other people’s dirty laundry.

  • btw i linked back to your post today. I think we should start a whole new series on that ain’t right. LOL

  • @cynthia, I just wish people would actually give a testimony of the Gospel, not ramble and blubber their way through their life stories, brag about the goodies in their lives (under the pretext of the “thankimony”), etc., with MAYBE, if the listener is lucky that day, ONE very obviously rotely perfunctory sentence having any spiritual content at all.

    Testimony meeting is about the least inspirational meeting of the month for me. (sigh)

  • Come to my ward in The Bronx. Its like that errry fast sunday. People callin’ each other out. This one girl told us how her husband was cheating on her. THAT AIN’T RIGHT!

  • You’ve now ruined our ward’s F&T meeting. Next time there’s a long pause, and you know there always is in our ward, I’m going to be thinking of someone calling someone else out. I’ll never be fully satisfied again. Can you just see Bishop C. up there doing that? HA!

  • I’m so glad I found your blog! You left a comment on Modern Mormon Men and I followed the link.

    Amen to this post! I’ve gone back and read a bunch of your posts and love it all.

  • Way cute post; I am laughing at your discriptions of the preacher. And, yes there is a person in every ward that gets up and tells all their business. We have one young man that gets up and has a new sermon to preach each month and sometimes a call to repentance.
    However, the sweetest little children are baring really heart felt testimonies; that I treasure.
    Thanks for the smiles today and blessings to you!

  • My sister and her family are living in Portugal for a year. Their church meetings are outrageous! People having yelling matches when they disagree over something; they interrupt during sunday school to say that the spirit isn’t present and they all need to pray; weird stuff!

  • Anonymous

    Sorta reminds me of the time my mission companion and I went to a pentecostal church with an investigator…During testimony time my good companion got up and explained the nature of the Godhead to them. And during the sermon the pastor straitened everyone out about it. Yikes.

  • Anonymous

    Nothing really to contribute to the thread, but you ladies are fun to read. Good stuff.

  • Hilarious!

    Yes, I can relate to the TMI feeling and every so often we are reminded to keep the testimonies to a minute or so and testify of Christ.

    I’ve had two experiences where a Sunday school teacher and a Relief society teacher were each giving an example about someone in their lessons and I recognized that it was me they were talking about!
    I couldn’t believe it – I should have said “That ain’t right!”

    Anyway, gotta love the rhyming preacher.

  • Si

    Oh my. TMI…Amen. Great blog, by the way 🙂

  • Anonymous

    When I was a missionary there was a member of the ward who would get up in testimony meeting and call people (especially his own family) out on their sins. He was asked not to bear his testimony any more.