This past month has been an emotional roller coaster ride. In the past instead of completely dealing with some major life events that may have sent me to the psychiatric unit (on more then one occasion). I would busy myself welcoming anything that distracted me from whatever it was that I didn’t really want to deal with. I know that some of y’all are wondering what kept me so busy that I couldn’t give mental brain power to the problems or issues that should have demanded my attention. I had titles y’all, and I was way to busy to focus on the real crazy that was happening in my life.
I was high: I feel like I’m coming off of a 17yr high, and the crash might be more then I can physically/mentally bare! If your addiction is you’re just to busy to deal, is there a rehab for that? Just a question… I’ve heard people talk about being so depressed that they couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t wrap my brain around how anyone could feel so sad that they physically couldn’t get out of bed. Until recently that is, today I completely get it. Let me tell y’all about some of the days I’ve had since I’ve been a CEO of this house (clearly I still like titles).
Life as the CEO: I’m typically not a big sleeper. However the past month and a half, I find myself not only sleeping in more, but I’ve had the nerve on more then one occasion to get upset because I had to drag myself out of bed to pick my niece up from school (of course I picked her up in my pajamas) I know that you are trying to sympathize and comfort me saying “well, 8:00 am is pretty early to have to have to get up”. No, that’s not my story, my niece gets out of kindergarten at 11:30 am. I know, so tacky right? It has gotten to the point that on someday’s I frantically get dressed right before my kids got home from school, teens can be kinda brutal. All of this is an indicator to me that something ain’t right!
Seeking help: A few weeks ago I started feeling that something wasn’t quite right. I hinted to those closest to me that I can’t seem to snap into my happy. I told them because I didn’t want them to be shocked when I left for a loaf of bread and never came back home (is that wrong, of course it is… right?) Asking myself if something is wrong is no longer a question, because I know it is. I had been trying to convince myself that what I was feeling was normal and every SAHM (stay at home mom) feels this way. Even though I know they don’t. At least not as often as I do, according to the ones I’ve spoken to.
This morning I sat down to finish a blog post that I started a few weeks ago. I found myself sitting here staring at the computer screen for I don’t even know how long. Then I thought, “let me just check my Facebook real quick”, 40 minutes later. I’m staring at the computer screen again, talking myself out of having a complete melt down. For what I don’t know, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! Nothing, nothing happened in between the time I got out of bed, made a bowl of oatmeal, and sat down to complete a post that I’ve been working on it for two weeks (which should have actually only taken me a few hours to complete) and checked my Facebook. I have no idea why I’m staring at the computer screen fighting tears and the urge to snatch all of my hair out.
Conversations must be had: I found myself having a conversation with myself…. Look don’t judge me, like you’ve never had one of these:
Me: What’s wrong with me?
Self: I don’t know…
Me: Why do I feel this way? I can’t feel this way!
Self: I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure it out too.
Me: Do you think I’m depressed?
Me: Maybe I should see somebody about it
Self: Now, that’s just crazy! You just need to pray and read your scriptures more
Me: More then I already do? No, I’m just going to make an appt to talk to someone
Self: If you spoke to Jesus more maybe you wouldn’t feel this way! I’m just saying.
What? That’s it, that was the conversation…
Is depression a Sin?As I was trying to figure out why my conversation (with myself) took the tone that it did I realized that I had heard so many other people say things like “Sista Jones is depressed, umm she should have stronger faith.” or “If she would just follow the Word of Wisdom better and exercise more she would feel better, happier!” I’ve even heard someone say that depression was an act of selfishness. I didn’t contribute to the conversation because I didn’t feel that I personally had anything to contribute. When some of the comments were being made the spirit would testified to my heart as immediately as a person would make the statement that it was false! So I didn’t waste my time trying to convince the person making the statement that depression was not a sin, it was an illness just like any other illness.
Praise or Prozac: Yes, I need Jesus but Jesus isn’t the only thing I need. As I came to the realization that I may need some outside help, I started having feelings of guilt. I asked myself, self, “why do you feel guilt?” The only thing I could think is I have guilt because of what I’ve heard people say about depression in the past. I remember hearing that a missionary was sent home because he was struggling with depression, I couldn’t understand why someone would be sent home for being sad. Over the years I’d come up with my own justification for why a missionary would be sent home because he was depressed. In my opinion… It doesn’t profit God to have Faithful Foolish Followers, now before you guys start snapping let me explain. With all the technology that God has provided for our comfort including modern medicine,what type of sense does it make for me to not get help even if it comes in the form of a medication that might make me feel like a complete person? There are many things that I don’t know, but what I do know is that I can’t serve God the way that I need to in these funky pajamas. I know that I can’t go bare testimony and convince anyone that God’s goodness changes lives and brings joy and happiness with my hair looking like who did it, what for, and please don’t do it again! If I’m going to fully praise His name I feel that I should look the part, and looking the part may require some help from someone qualified to help me. For some people Jesus is enough, but sometimes some of us may need to see a doctor, others might need medication, and others may need both. It’s not a crime and it’s certainly not a sin to seek outside help to feel and become your best self. The real sin is not using the gifts that Heavenly Father has made available to us because He knows that when His followers feel whole and complete. We can better glorify His name. Having just decided that I was going to share my real with my Brothas & Sistas, I can honestly say that I don’t know what a Dr. is going to tell me about how and why I feel the way I do. If she/he tells me that I need some Prozac to help me get back into praise mode, I will be ok with that because the reality is at this time in my life I might need both: A lot of praise with a little Prozac to restore balance to my life.
Have you ever felt depressed? Does being depressed make you a bad Christian? Have you ever been told that if you would spend more time in praise, there would be no time for Prozac?
***Prozac, is really the only depression medication that I know of. I’m sure there are others, people just don’t talk about them as often***