If you tuned in to SiZ Radio last night you heard us talking to Seth Adam Smith author of the “Marriage Isn’t for You” blog post, and dating and marriage blogger, Aesha Adams-Roberts. Seth’s viral post has now been translated into Spanish and Portuguese and of course he came to the best (yes, that’s the Sistas) to provide the official “urban translation”. Well here we go, mic check, check, check…
Seth: Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Translation: Even though I’ve only been married for a hot second, that’s long enough for me to realize that marriage ain’t for me y’all.
Seth: Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
Translation: Aye, aye, look here. Before you start breathin’ all down my neck can a brotha get a chance to finish? I’m talkin’ to y’all folks who like to jump to conclusions like ya name is Tom Cruise, and you’re on Oprah’s couch. (See how all that hoppin’ and skippin’ turned out for him?)
Seth: I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Translation: I stepped to shawty from jump, but she put me all up in the friend zone. I had to holla for a minute before she would even holla back.
Seth: Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Translation: I was so caught up in puttin’ the full court press on Kimmy boo that when she gave me the opportunity to go to the line, I let the crowd get all up in my head and started brickin’ shots like Shaq was my shooting coach.
Seth: Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Translation: I went to my pops for a man to man.
Seth: Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
Translation: It got so real and so deep, so fast.
Seth: My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
Translation: Dad said, “Seth, I’ma need you to pay close attention, cause I’m only gon’ say this one time; all this back pedaling you doin’…Ain’t nobody got time for that! For ten years you been walkin’ around talkin’ about how you wish Kim would give you a chance. Now you got your chance and you trippin’! You like seafood Seth? Cause I smell fish Seth…a whole lotta sel-FISH! You up in here talkin’ ’bout YOU don’t know if YOU wanna get married, news flash; marriage ain’t fo’ you Seth. What you need to worry about is how invested Kim is in being ya baby mama, since you say you want all them kids. Cause me and ya moms are done raising babies, so don’t bring no kids to my house. Listen Seth, it ain’t always about you, it’s about ya boo too!”
Seth: It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
Translation: That’s when it dawned on me that I was whooped. Kim had me at hello and I was ’bout to mess around and make her say goodbye.
Seth: My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
Translation: What my dad was tryna say is that this ain’t Burger King son, you can’t always have it your way.
Seth: No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Translation: “What’s in it for me?” Man, that ain’t even a real question when it comes to love. Love ain’t a picnic, it’s a potluck! How you gon’ be worried about what’s in their basket when you don’t even know what you bringin’ to the table?
Seth: Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
Translation: I don’t know why I’m trippin’ cause shawty showed me a long time ago that she was ride or die…even though I was acting a fool, tryna be all hard and stuff.
Seth: But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
Translation: My boo wasn’t even tryna eye for an eye me. She kept it straight Bible, my bad behavior didn’t even phase her. Kim showed me mad love. My baby took me in her arms and my heart melted like butter.
Seth: I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
Translation: I had flipped the script, my pops had dropped some knowledge on me a while back and now here I was acting brand new! I realized my girl had my back, but I didn’t have hers. I could see my wrongs so clearly that it made my eyes water…shoot, I’ll keep it real, I cried like a baby! I told shawty I was gonna man up, gave her my word that thangs was ’bout to change.
Seth: To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
Translation: Err’body reading this, if yo attitude is; I’ma do me, but I need you to do me too! That ain’t cool and it won’t keep ya love hot.
Seth: And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Translation: When it comes to love, the more you give the more you get!
Seth: Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
Translation: On the real, if you can’t focus on your boo…love and marriage prolly ain’t for you!
God is love,
Sista Beehive & Sista Laurel