5 Things Mormons Should Stop Doing

5 Things Mormons Should Stop Doing

 1. Stop blessing people’s hearts. 

Bless Her Heart

Christians LOVE to bless! We will bless you, the food, a sneeze and your heart. But sometimes we bless people’s heart when we really mean, “No offense, but…”

Example: Praise the Lord, Roseanne signed up to bring a dish to the church potluck, bless her heart she loves to volunteer, but the girl can’t cook.

Blessing people’s heart and then following it up with an insult…stop it.

2. Stop telling single saints they’ll get married in the next life.

A match made in heaven

Whenever we hear someone utter a remark such as this it makes us want to break rule No. 1 and bless the mess out of their lil’ ole heart! Nobody is interested in your boo’d-up-behind trying to comfort them by saying that what they don’t have in this life they will get in the next. So what makes you so special? Why did God give you a spouse but the righteous man or woman in the pew next to you has to wait for a zombie apocalypse?

3. Stop claiming that Mormon celebs don’t have to serve missions.

david archuleta mission

Every time a prominent Mormon is faced with the decision of whether to serve an LDS mission or make a career move, somebody makes a comment like, “The brethren told Donny Osmond he didn’t have to go because making music is his mission.” Or, “My uncle’s, cousin’s, grandma said she heard one of the twelve tell Steve Young that he would help more souls come unto Christ by playing football than serving a mission.”

Recently Jabari Parker said this about his decision to begin his NBA career:

After talking with my family, my local church leaders and a couple close friends I’m at peace with my decision to forego a mission for now and join the NBA…I don’t consider myself an exception to the rule. At this point in my life I know this is the right decision.

Whether we are in the lime-light or not, many Latter-day Saints have a decision to make regarding serving missions. The time, prayer and reflection that a sista in Missoula, Montana puts into making this decision is no less important than that which David Archuleta put into making his choice. Look, God keeps his eye on the sparrow, on the Mo-lebrities and on you and there’s no exception to that.

4. Stop fighting on social media.

Bust a caps lock

There are plenty of reasons for church folk to stop fighting on the internet, but if you tuned into LDS General Conference a few ago Elder Andersen gave us another one. YOU MIGHT END UP THE SUBJECT OF A CONFERENCE TALK! We don’t know if the young lady who emailed a copy of her Facebook feud to Elder Anderson knew that it was going to make a Conference Center debut, but we are sure happy it did. Cause that same day we went through our friend list and deleted err’body that might know somebody who even looked at a church leader from a distance!

The internet is a great place to spread the good news of the gospel, but we all could use a brush up on the social media Golden Rule: “Tweet others the way you want to be tweeted.”

tweet others

5. Stop saying you’ll pray for someone, but you don’t really do it.

pray

There are 3 ways Christians use prayer under false pretenses. 1) As an automatic response, “I’m so sorry that happened, I’ll be praying for you.” But then we go about our business and we never actually pray for the person or their problem. It was just something to say at the time.

2) Instead of saying no. “This multi-level-marketing opportunity sounds fabulous, but first let me pray on it and I’ll get back to you.” We really have no intention of praying on it, we just want to blame it on God when we tell you no.

3) As fighting words (guilty!). “Oh, ok I told you last Sunday that this was my pew, but you sat here anyway, but that’s alright, I’ma pray for you!” In this case we are going to do the opposite of pray for you, we are actually going to sit in the pew behind you and stare you down during the entire church service.

Prayer is a wonderful opportunity to commune with the Lord and praying for others blesses not only those we pray on behalf of but us as well.

Anything you think should be added to the list of things Mormons or Christians in general should stop doing? What’s on the list that you plan on doing anyway?

God speed,
Sista Beehive & Sista Laurel

  • http://facebook Lisa

    I like and agree with this list of 5 things Mormons, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, should stop doing.

    • sistasinzion

      Thanks Lisa and thanks for stopping by and reading!

      • Tbf

        This is the first time I have ever come across your site, and enjoyed reading your humorous and insightful post. After scanning through the comments section, my only response to readers would be to try and receive the information given in the spirit intended. If applicable to you, glean something from it. If not, smile and move on.

    • Norris

      I would like to add number 6. Stop lumping everyone together. Just because you know someone that does it really doesn’t mean all d it.

    • Debbie Edward

      This is great. I would add that we should not start our talks with reasons why we couldn’t get out of it, why we don’t want to give this talk, or how revenge will be carefully taken out on the bishopric for asking one to speak. How does that look to our investigators? Just own it, and jump in with with our great thoughts and not turn off the audience with apologies to begin with. Speak confidently with your thoughtful, prayful preparation

      • Nancy Blamires

        I agree. This turns members off too. I don’t understand the need of a speaker to explain to us why he/she is not happy to speak to us and share what has otherwise usually been prepared with careful thought and research. Just let us get right into the message and skip the nonuseful rhetoric.

      • Meredith Duley

        Well said! Very few people enjoy giving talks, so do we really need to bring it up such a negative statement at the start of our talk? We all know that the speaker probably didn’t jump for joy when asked to speak. I find it detracts from the spirit for me.

        Great list overall!

    • Karen Pillow

      How about avoiding the temptation to lump individual folks together under one label?

      “Bless her (or his) heart” is common in the South (aka the Bible Belt) . It is a gentle, not pejorative, reminder that we humans are fallible, and in need of patience and forgiveness in any given moment. At least that is the way this Mormon- and Southern- MeMa has always understood the phrase. From time to time, when faced with behavior I find incomprehensible, I may be guilty of muttering, ” Lord, have mercy”

      • Sue Towhey

        I am a Southern girl and I say “Bless her heart” and I will continue to do so because it is not a bad thing when used properly and with compassion. Now, of course, the intent of the phrase is in the heart of the user of the phrase. I will admit sometimes it can get out of hand. But, it is a part of me like saying thank you and please. “Lord, have mercy” I say that a lot, too.

  • Craig

    I particularly liked number 3.

    • sistasinzion

      Yes mission decisions are choices and most of the times the excuses we give aren’t even something the actual Mormon celebs ever said.

    • Judie

      I believe we should skip the negative and concentrate on the five things we could do that would lift our lives and that of others.

      • Karen Pillow

        Amen

  • Kelly P

    This was so funny!!! I agree with #2. I hate when I get that.

    • sistasinzion

      Lots of single saints would love that #2 comment to just be retired. Thanks for stopping by!

    • Jack

      OH my are you telling me this is not to be??????????
      Here I have been waiting all this time (30 yrs) and thought Miss Perfect would meet me on the other side when I got there. Oh and now some of my Church friends are telling me I will not get to that Other side if I do not get sealed here on Earth. I am going to start looking NOW.

    • Anne

      #2 is definitely the one I’m struggling with the most. A had a really close friend tell me that “maybe I’m just not meant to meet anyone here.” I was 22 at the time. 22!! I’m 25 now and yes, I’m still waiting. It frustrates me to death that in normal society I’m at my prime but in LDS culture I’m an old maid who must have something wrong with me. I dearly love our faith, but sometimes the culture can be a little maddening.

  • Brittany Steward

    I stumbled upon your blog(post) via LDS Living Facebook page. LOVE you already and loved this post. Thanks for sharing. -Fellow LDS girl

    • sistasinzion

      Hi Brittany so glad you found us!

  • cc

    YOU GIRLZ ARE JUST TOO FUNNY!! KEEP IT UP, SISTAS!

    • sistasinzion

      Thanks! We’ll keep at it.

  • MDL

    baahaha.. Love you sistas <3

    • sistasinzion

      Thanks for da luv!

  • Wonderboy

    Instead of blessing their hearts, we should bless their brains-that’s the real source of their shortcomings. ;-)

    • sistasinzion

      Lol! We don’t how well that blessing would go over.

  • http://kuabci.blogspot.com DG

    I’m fine with celebrities “having” to serve missions, but it would be better if they did it without (relative) pomp and attention as other people do. You don’t have to announce you’re going on a mission in front of thousands of foaming fangirls, and you don’t have to spend your mission doing concerts. I know there are all kinds of missions and missionaries, but if you’re a full-time proselytizing missionary, you should probably serve like the rest of the full-time proselytizing missionaries.

    Also, I think there is a way to have a religious discussion/debate online without necessarily “fighting”, and it’s actually pretty important that we have discussions online.

    • sistasinzion

      We love healthy dialogue and agree there’s a way to discuss online without it turning into a fight.

  • Sharon B

    The only time I’ve heard anyone, Mormon or not, say “bless her heart” it was as a joke. And, I’m pretty sure that’s a Southern thing, not a Mormon thing. :-)

    Love the list!

    • sistasinzion

      I grew up in the South and we definitely do like to bless people’s hearts there.

  • Rebecca

    I’m pretty sure I say “bless your/their/his/her heart” all the time. I also just realized that I probably do it with a negative statement after. Thanks for the heads up. I’m going to try to do better!!

    • sistasinzion

      Rebecca, we were able to create the list because we are definitely have done some of these thing before. Thanks for encouraging us to try to do better too!

    • David Mecham

      Bless your heart, but I really mean it thanks for the great attitude.

  • Lilian Weimer

    This cracks me up! In Europe we do not bless anybody’s heart so I am clear on that one and I value my life too much to suggest a single person will be married in the next life (Brits are pretty outspoken and they would certainly outspeak me if I did !) . We tend to say ‘bless’ which mainly means something or somebody is cute or doing something cute or sweet. Also we don’t go in for announcing that we will pray for you ; we either do or we dont and much of the time you will never know lol Maybe some if the 5 things are an American thing more than a Mormon thing? I bet I could come up with 5 things European Mormons should stop doing though lol

    • sistasinzion

      Lilian, yes some of these could definitely be Mormon-American culture. We would love to a the European Mormon list…lol!

      • http://Twitterpasted Sister Wilson

        I lived in the UK twice. Once as a missionary. The number one thing European Mormons like to do is correct the speech of their cousins from across the pond. Case in point: I was giving free keyboard lessons and the little beginner song had the lyrics to “London Bridge is falling down.” The child’s parent interrupted the lesson to explain to me that “you Americans say it wrong. The verse should be ’tissue, a tissue, all fall down.” I explained that we sing, “ashes, ashes, all fall down”” essentially we are talking about the same thing. The plague that scourged Europe. So….people held hankies over their faces from the stench and bodies were burned to ashes. Both of the lyrics are correct. Britons can be nauseating at times. 2. Europeans like to begin sentences by saying…. ” you Americans ……..blah, blah, blah” …….and then they formulate a negative comment. 3. I would love to have two pence for every time I hear how they would never step foot in America. Funny ….how would they know they don’t like it considering they have never been there. My Romanian daughter-in-law runs down our political system, our religion, our cuisine, etc…. Why did she come here? So she could invite her parents to work here illegally and not have to pay any tax while they do it. My Former French son-in-law lived here past his legal visa time and then married my daughter so she could pay his lawyer fees. He then cheated on her during our first AND second senior couple missions and has now divorced her. He thinks in a very Socialistic way. We should pay his way in life….if our family gets tired of him…he mooches off of his Bishop and Ward members. He wants to re-distribute our wealth. My husband came from a family of ten and was raised in poverty. He put himself through college working three jobs. 4. European Mormons like to compare and complain. We have more Temples than they do. I’ll let you use your imagination as to what they have to say on that score. 5. When they come here and visit my home….they do nothing as much as criticize everything we give them…from meals to excursions. RUDE. We always try to show politeness and bite our tongues when we are on their turf. Their favorite saying is…..WE are not afraid to say what WE think. Yes, that’s right. They just keep on saying it and saying it and saying it.
        I’m sorry….is that too negative for you? It’s all true. I lived it on two separate occasions for about four and a half years. There’s so much more…

        • Moira Joyce Frances Gomes

          This is such a spiteful assessment. You have been so embittered throughout your travels, which is a shame. I have heard visitors around the world say exactly the same sorts of thing. It goes beyond being rude, its just borne of ignorance. I do find your comments quite racist about people who have less of everything – from money to opportunity. STOP IT. Don’t allow these experiences to sour your family relationships.

          • http://Twitterpasted Sister Wilson

            Ignorant. Spiteful . Your judgement . I shared personal and very true experiences. Lived many places, including the Orient. Loved them. Let’s all get along shall we? You need not reply. I do not intend to post here again. The truth is too painful for some people. The thing I meant to make plain is that members of the church can and should do much better, especially when it comes to the treatment of the Lord’s missionaries when they are serving in your country. We found that the less active and non members we taught were kind and gracious and we have relationships that exist to this day going forward. A few even came back to the church. You can’t possibly judge my family relationships either!. You have zero experience on that score and so who’s the spiteful one?! Cheerio. Bye, bye.
            P.S. Sorry for your savage S. S. Experience….unlike you….we never complained. Just kept a stiff upper lip and kept serving with love. This blog was my first time to vent publicly in 26 years. Brutality and unkindness are not race related, but Satan-inspired.

        • Willa

          I have lived half my life in the USA and half in the UK.

          I found that we “British” saints ( I thought we were all “latter-day saints”) are often hated and disparaged by American “saints”. Not all of them, by any means, but a minority of offensive people who profess to be members of the Church (and do show up for meetings etc) and have heard British people called “savages” by the teacher of a “Gospel Doctrine” class – by the teacher! I complained to the relevant leaders of the ward but the teacher was not required to make a public apology for a public offense.

          The attack was not provoked. I do not make an issue of being British; people ask me about my “accent” and I just say that I’m British and leave it at that. It is very general for American saints that I have met to have no curiosity about the UK and one very nice sister thought to compliment me by saying: You don’t seem British to me, to me you are an American”. Others were not so nice. Two active members actively sought me out to criticize my country, its history etc; others seemed to think it necessary to teach me the history and other “facts” about my nation, which they clearly knew nothing about.

          Fortunately I am a student of Church Doctrine and the prophets of the Church and appreciate the very kind tributes that have been accorded my nativ land by the prophets of the Church.

          Sadly many members of the Church are just like “everyone else” in these things.

          PS My personal experience in the UK was that British members didn’t attack other members for their nationality.
          British people, in general, however often do criticize Americans generally, and Americans do the same to Britishers. Often this is due to ignorance and insularity.

          Can’t we all just get along? This comment is meant to balance the sad, one-sided, comment in contempt for British people generally, apparently by a member of the LDS Church. I think members should make no difference between other members of the Church. It is a serious sin whoever does it. I forgive my detractors but hope that such attacks will be taken seriously in future and dealt with as church policy directs. Teh Lord will be a “swift witness”, said the prophet Malachi, against those who oppress the stranger. Hopefully this sin will be repented by those guilty of it.

        • Ruth

          Hi, Sis Wilson, I just wanted to say, I am half English half Kiwi, and I am really sorry for the negative experiences you have had with European saints. Not sure if you will get to read this or not. We are all Latter-day saints and all trying to do our best, but I know sometimes I might say thoughtless things so I can understand how these things have happened. I am glad you have also had very positive experiences too and hope that in future your experiences will be only positive :-)

  • Nancy Daily

    I get tired of the “yes , no, maybe, in the Lord’s due time…” When was it EVER different? It is always in the Lord’s due time… Or how about “This is a blessing in disguise”…Or “Maybe you need to learn a lesson” …After-all I just KNOW that kids who not only drop out of the church, but drop out of the societal norm and have children out of wed-lock and into a drugged out unstable environment is good…for WHOM? Or how about when dealing with chronic pain…”But so-n-so has….” and “In the eternities your body will be perfect”…How does that help a person keep his/her goals of living a healthy lifestyle if he/she can’t even walk without chronic pain? But the fat slob of a person is just well…LAZY!!!! Or how about “I was so blessed today when Heavenly Father helped me by making sure that XYZ happened, but the answer to a deep sincere prayer about chronic pain,wayward children unemplyment etc…is “yes, no, maybe, in the Lord’s due time…

    • sistasinzion

      Nancy thanks for sharing your thoughts! If we all just thought a little about what we say before we said it I think some of these comments wouldn’t get made.

  • Heather

    Here’s my adds:
    – Trying to tell anyone who has lost a loved one how to feel or that they should be happy they are in a better place. You should have the right to punch them in the nose.
    – Parents of special needs children being told that they were chosen to take care of these spirits. Guaranteed they would rather not have their children suffer
    – Anyone quoting a general authority or scripture who doesn’t know the exact reference. Drives me nuts when someone misstates a quote just to try to make their own point.

    • sistasinzion

      Heather yes! Especially 1 and 2. I think that in most instances the commenter is not trying to offend, but there are times when these types of comments have the opposite effect on the receiver.

  • Heather

    To add my thoughts to #3…I also don’t think church members have a right to comment on ANYONE’s mission decision. From the comments on Jabari Parker, more people are severely judging for not going – not giving him a pass. I don’t know if Mo-lebrities are inspired to go or not. But that is between them, their priesthood leaders, and God. Going on a mission for the wrong reasons is just as bad as staying home for the wrong reasons.

    • Linda

      Amen!

    • sistasinzion

      Heather agreed mission decisions are personal.

  • Sara Walsh

    Stop sleeping at church. It’s rude and disrespectful to the Lord and others.

    • Mike Bennion

      Dear Sara,

      When I watch one of our Stake Presidency or Bishops nod off on the stand, I remember that they probably stayed up until close to midnight finalizing the list of things needed to be done on Sunday and then got up at 3:30 or 4:00 am to get ready for 5:00 am meetings. Then they attend two or three sacrament meetings for various reasons, and then must sit silently pondering the Savior’s atonement during the sacrament. I then thank God that such men exist and work so hard in his church to bless our lives through their service.

      • sistasinzion

        Mike, it’s true not everyone falling asleep in church is intending to be rude and their could be a legit reason.

      • HelgaSilski

        Thank you Sara for your comments.
        Our Church leaders are exceptional men and all human.
        Let us grow in gratitude for the service they render and
        ask the Lord’s blessings upon them to continue.

      • Cathy

        I remember being transferred in the mission field. We had been on a bus since early in the morning and arrived just in time for the women’s conference. We were the first sisters in that area for a very long time. I remember struggling to keep my eyes open, and my companion was struggling too. We shouldn’t sleep in church, but sometimes, sometimes it is really difficult.

      • laurel

        I agree, Mike. I once lived in a Ward where the bishop’s councilor had cancer. He wanted to try to stick it out with his church calling. Every time I would see him up on the stand with his hair gone and fast asleep I just felt so much love for him–knowing he had just been through chemo and then there he was trying his best. We just never know what someone is going through. Perhaps at times making harsh judgements might be worse than sleeping.

    • Judy

      I agree with the stop sleeping in church. Another thing, either leave your cell phone at home or turn it off. Also there should be no one playing games on their cell phone etc. Just my thoughts.

      • Ann

        I strongly agree with the cell phones, playing games on phones, etc If that is the all over riding important in their lives then stay home . Our thoughts and attentions should be why we attend church and whom we worship. Leave the rest to deal with when you return home. You will be astonished upon arriving home and how much you are feeling of that Loving Spirit you received! I also agree with Mike regarding those who are in leadership positions who happen to drop off. When you have walked that mile in their shoes, then you will appreciate all their efforts and energies.

        • Jules

          On the cell phone thing, how do you know they are playing games on their phone? Many times during church I’m looking things up on the Gospel Library app or reading the scriptures. Now that everything is available on a phone, don’t assume that someone looking at their phone is not paying attention. In fact, it’s probably a good idea not to assume anything… Give people the benefit of the doubt. I enjoy life a lot more now that I worry about myself more, and worry about everyone else less. Not trying to be rude. Just a suggestion.

      • sistasinzion

        Judy, yes the cell phones is a big thing and I’m so guilty of this one, I lived tweeted stake conference last week. Thanks for the reminder, I’m continuing to work on this one!

    • Mitzi Crawford

      Sara, please don’t judge sleepers. my husband is one of those. he uses O2 and so often when he sits down at home or at church he falls asleep. he doesn’t want to it just happens due to his health. so often there are real reasons that people nod off in church. besides what safer place to sleep.

      • sistasinzion

        Mitzi, You are right not everyone sleeping at church is doing so to be rude. Thanks for the reminder to not judge our brothas and sistas so harshly. The truth is we don’t know everyone’s story. Hope your hubs is doing well!

    • sistasinzion

      I’m definitely guilty of this one. Thanks for the reminder to get to bed in enough time on Sat. that I can be bright eyed and bushy tailed for the Lord on Sunday.

    • Heidi Worlton

      regarding falling asleep at church, I have to respectfully disagree. I worked overnights (as in, 10 PM to 7 AM) for many years, and I would either get a couple hours of sleep before church, or none at all! Sometimes, I would cry with exhaustion as I showered and got ready for church. I would always fall asleep in church (mostly sacrament meeting), because I was exhausted. My wonderful leaders always made a point to tell me how wonderful it was that I was there. They told me that I would be blessed for coming, even though it was so difficult- and that they KNEW how difficult it was for me to be there. I am so blessed to be in such a supportive ward! I even had a couple of wonderful ladies offer to make me a special church pillow. (I would always rest my head on the pew in front of me, and have this big old red mark across my forehead.) I am so grateful that people understood my situation; I even got extra hugs on Sundays- bonus!! :)

      • sistasinzion

        Hi Heidi, you and some other commenters have pointed out that there are many times that we may make inaccurate assumptions about why folks may doze off in church. I appreciate the reminders to remember that we we don’t always have the full picture.

    • Nettie

      Some people have medical conditions, the side effects of which are falling asleep when they sit down. As one example, My dear Sweet Father had a week heart and when he would sit for more than 10 min. he would fall asleep from lack of blood flow. It didn’t matter how much he WANTED to stay awake, it was physically impossible for him to do so. So before you prejudge all those who are sleeping in a meeting, take a moment and thank God for allowing you to have the physical capacity to stay awake and receive all the benefits of hearing every single work and sing every single note.

      • sistasinzion

        Nettie, love that you an other commenters are pointing out that not everyone does all the things on any given list and that sometimes there are reasons unbeknownst to us that a person my do something we deem not cool. Hopefully those of us who sometimes doze off because they stayed up way to late on Saturday (guilty!) will also be reminded to stay alert at church for God because there are those who want to but can’t help it.

        • Tammy Parker

          How about we all stop judging others for not living by our personal standards? I’d personally much prefer my whole ward fall asleep than have a bunch of cranky, judgemental sisters blasting me for what they think I’m doing wrong. This attitude of judgement is why so many people leave the church.

  • Shauna

    I think Mormons should stop Blessing any type of food to nourish and strengthen our bodies. I’m pretty sure Christ didn’t bless the food to nourish, what he did do was break the bread and give thanks to the Father.

    • George

      Blessing food is one thing ..bur thanking Heavenly Father for it is more important…and there is nothing wrong for asking a blessing for the food to sustain us or help us to be more healthy…especially in these days when food is so deficient in nutrients.

      • sistasinzion

        Amen! It is most important to show our gratitude for what we have to eat. Ultimately does God mind if we ask that our donut to nourish and strengthen our bodies, probably not. But it is a little humorous and maybe a reminder that sometimes we become a little repetitive in our prayers and need to take an opportunity to be more cognizant of what we’re asking for in our prayers.

    • sistasinzion

      Shauna, what are you saying that I can’t bless my donut into becoming a healthy snack? Say it ain’t so! ;-)

    • James Eldon Thornock

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4t0mtMmYa4o

      Tim Hawkins about this subject.

  • Renee

    I’m seeing a lot of judgement on how people respond to say the loss of a loved one, or disabled child or still single! So what ARE others suppose to say to these folks in these situations? We all do the best we can to comfort a brother or sister who is going through a trial & no one really knows what to say sometimes other than maybe it’s Gods will or look forward to the after life since this one kinda sucks. There just isn’t much to say so we do the best we can. Syio being so hard on others who are just trying to comfort another person. Geez

    • Jan

      As a 57year old woman who has never married, I do not ask to be comforted when telling someone my marital status. I think maybe the Sistas are talking about “comfort” that comes unsolicited. It really hurts when someone who has a spouse and children tries to hold my hand and say “don’t worry about it”. Who said I was worryinng? That is pity, not comfort.

      • sistasinzion

        Jan, yes! There are so many times when comments like these are made when the receiver didn’t really ask for the “comfort” or even the conversation.

    • sistasinzion

      Thanks for chiming in! I definitely recognize that when people are offering comfort that don’t intentionally mean to say the wrong thing. I love convos like these because it gives us a chance to reflect on if something we are saying is having and unintended outcome and also on the flip side for those on the receiving end to remember that it’s not always intentional.

  • Maggie

    Love you, Sistas! I adore your wisdom, insight, and wit, and wish I was just like you.

    • sistasinzion

      Maggie, be you girl! And thanks for your kind words!

  • Catherine

    Love your list! One of mine is to stop hinting that people who get married in the temple the first time have a better marriage. No one really understands the circumstances in any one else’s life.

    • sistasinzion

      Catherine absolutely, when we’re going through sensitive circumstances in our lives we’re all hoping that those around us will respond with sensitivity.

  • Donna

    Add don’t be so judgmental if you open your closet you might have to dust off some skeletons to. Even Lehigh and his wife did the best they could and still had wayward children instead if complaining about crying children in sacrament why not offer to help the exhausted mom who already puts enough guilt on herself and if you want to be a true disciple if Christ wear out your knees and listen with your heart not your mouth!

    • sistasinzion

      Amen! Donna I sure can’t throw any stones at anybody else girl.

  • Lisa

    This was so cute and meant to be uplifting as well as teachable. As an over 50 mom/grandma I could see myself in all of these at one time or another and vow to be a better person. No matter what stage of life we are in we can learn from each other and I love the way these ladies do it with both wisdom and humor! Well done and keep it up!

    • sistasinzion

      Lisa girl you get us! We like to keep the faith and have a little fun.

  • Fannie Daly

    The same holds true about couples that are childless. A member tells them, don’t worry you will have children in the next life ! This can be very hurtful. We do not know another person’s circumstance !

    • sistasinzion

      Fannie, I couldn’t agree more. Again I know that the comments are meant to be helpful, but so many couples in this situation have expressed that they wish it wasn’t said.

  • http://bluebirdyliving.blogspot.com Sheila

    This is great! I hope you get enough comments to make version #2. The “Bless your heart” thing is pretty much exclusive to Southern US. I have never heard it said anywhere else. The people saying they will pray when I’m pretty sure they won’t really bugs me too. They should say something else if they don’t plan to pray for you. More suggestions:
    1) Stop asking a childless couple how many kids they want or if she is pregnant yet. If the wife can’t get pregnant, this is a stab to her heart every time someone says it.
    2) Stop saying no to the compassionate service leader when they ask for your help. It seems as if the request always comes at an inconvenient time, but that’s part of the test, and they often don’t ask much. Just a salad or one part of a meal or something that is easier than you think it is. You will be blessed for helping someone out.
    3) Stop making mean jokes about men! I heard man-bashing all the time in the singles wards. It was horrible! Married women do it too, but it’s bad habit, and not appropriate. It makes you dislike men more yourself.
    4) Don’t stay in the chapel with a screaming child. Take them out into the foyer! I have been to some sacrament meetings that were so loud you could barely hear the prayers or speakers.
    5) When you go visiting teaching or home teaching….well there could be a whole blog about the dos and don’t here!
    Keep up the good work!
    Sheila

    • Doug

      Amen to the men-bashing thing. Our brethren are not helpless oafs without their wives. Some may be a little more challenged, but most are much more qualified than often they get credit for.
      And stop the self-deprecating remarks about personal appearance. (“Well, brethren, we’re not much to look at…”) Men can be as handsome as women are beautiful (which ultimately comes from within, doesn’t it?). I can’t imagine our sisters feel any better when men put themselves down.
      Ok, to be fair, it’s almost always said in jest, but the joke’s gettin’ old, peeps.

      • Gloria

        I agree with this so much that it hurts. There are so many good men in the church and I get tired of hearing them put themselves down while they put their wives or women in general on a pedestal. Or hearing women mock the men, saying that the men have to have the priesthood to teach them to be charitable. WTFlippin’Fetch is that about?

      • johnrpack

        “Men can be as handsome as women are beautiful….” Uh, no.

        But, other than that, I agree completely — bless your heart! :-)

    • sistasinzion

      Sheila thanks for giving us some more to think about! I know I need to work on a few on your list. :)

    • Karen Pillow

      Years ago our Bishop at the time stated that ” A crying child is like a good intention” and “should be carried out immediately.”

  • Lola

    How about stop making lists of what other people should or should not do?

    • Try

      Yea! This was the best response so far. :)

    • johnrpack

      That reminds me of the famous saying…

      There are two types of people: People who divide people into two types and those who don’t.

    • sistasinzion

      Will definitely add that to list of things to think about! :)

  • Rich

    Being a member in Sweden, one never hears this. This must be more of a Utah Mormon thing, right?

    • sistasinzion

      Rich it’s possible that some of these are cultural tendencies.

  • Eve

    I love number two!! I have been a good active member all of my life and going to most of the lsd singles activies to find a good priesthood man. = dated an average amount, = but never yet married at all. I am now 61 and HAVE HEARD THAT PHRASE ALL OF MY LIFE!! ….

    “You are such a wonderful person, I am sure you will meet the right one soon, and “IF NOT HERE IN THIS LIFE, GOD WILL GIVE YOU SOMEONE IN THE MILLENNIUM.”

    …..THANKS ALOT! = as I sit here alone week after week among the beautiful, blessed, married people.

    I am basicly a Non-person in this church of Marriage / and family.

    Eve

    • gj

      Amen.

    • sistasinzion

      And Amen again.

  • Dollface

    Nice job ladies…as always

  • Mich

    These are so petty, I would think Christians in general- not JUST members of the Church for Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- would steer clear of them.

    • sistasinzion

      Mich yes all us church folk not just LDS could stand to refrain from some of these.

  • SMc

    Not everyone who says, “Bless your heart,” or “Bless her / his heart,” follows it with something negative.

    It is a Mormon thing when it comes from the heart as compassion and love and not followed by something negative.

    • sistasinzion

      So true there are plenty people LDS and alike who don’t bless hearts with love. I’m hoping those of us who’ve used it in a more backhanded way will think a little about how we’re saying it.

  • A passive sista

    On G.C. Saturday, I invited all my non-LDS friends to tune into G. Conference to listen to a living prophet speak. All but one were gracious about it but one e-mailed that she had all she needed to know because she reads the bible. “A bible, a bible, we have a bible…’ she even sent me a link to a non-Mormon website (that I found inaccurate and offensive) in hopes of “saving” me.
    I chose not to address her remarks.
    Silence is golden and I choose not to engage in disputes with people who are not ready to hear the truth.
    Jesus commanded the Nephites that there be “…no disputations among you…”

    I love the name Sistas in Zion because I’m from Boston and we are truly Sistas in the gospel.

    • sistasinzion

      Hey sista! Yes sometimes silence is the right thing to say.

    • Southern Baptist Sista

      Why do you assume that only you have the “Truth”? The girl was probably only trying to share what she believes is a part of the truth as she sees it. She cared enough about you and your salvation to share her faith with you. Why were you so offended?
      I myself went through the “Missionary lessons”, we did not agree on all the points, but I always received them into my home I welcomed them for dinner even after the lessons were finished. My husband is Mormon and I tried very hard to make him happy. I even took the temple lessons but was unable to agree with all the teachings and so chose to remain true to my Baptist roots. No one in the ward rejected me because of this. I made many good and lasting friendships in the ward and still keep in touch with several sisters even now that I have returned to NC. The 2nd counselor and his wife told me that they admired me for being true to my faith and not going to temple on a lie. I knew the answers the Pres. of the stake wanted and could have given them to him, but it would not have been an honest interview and I choose to tell him the truth of how I felt. The next time someone tries to share their faith with you , just remember that they may just care enough for you to risk your rejection and offer them your friendship not based on your religious differences, and yes, “Bless your heart” does seem to be a southern culture thing. Just sayin

  • Da

    How about mormons stop think they are better than eveyone else??being humble is a good quality!

    • sistasinzion

      Agreed sometimes we just need to come down off of our high horse. Nobody should be riding a horse that’s high anyway, it’s just not safe.

  • Debra

    I will continue to say bless her heart. It is
    an endearing and compassionate part of
    my culture. I will continue to tell people I will
    pray for them and their families.
    It is ok if you make fun of me. I gave up
    many things that were dear to me to join the
    church as many of you may have. I smile and
    am glad that we are different.

    • sistasinzion

      Debra, nothing to make fun of there girl, keep on keeping on!

  • Julie

    I love your point about the choice to go on a mission. It is, and should be, a personal decision for each of us. I wanted to add that members need to stop praying their thanks for “the moisture we are receiving” when there has been a virtual deluge. That is not “moisture.” Moisture is that little bit of perspiration you get on your forhead after a hard workout. That downpour you’re thankful for…that is called RAIN!

    • sistasinzion

      Julie, LOL yes big difference between rain and moisture! A sista will go outside if there’s moisture, but RAIN…uh uh that’s a whole other story for our hair!

  • Sister Lewis

    After reading most of these responses, I think enough railing already. How about 5+ wonderful things Mormons (or anyone) do to spread joy.

    • http://ldssinglessurvival.wordpress.com/ RachelJL

      5+ thing people do right? I can think of lots lately. Thanks so much for the reminder!

      1. They somehow know when I need a listening ear or just that I need to get out of the house, even if they’re not someone I “hang out” with all the time
      2. They choose to get along even when our politics or religious beliefs don’t line up. This can even be the case with those who are LDS when we don’t interpret things exactly the same
      3. They listen without interrupting
      4. They’re kind to my kids and speak with them like adults and compliment them freely
      5. They’ve been patient with me even when I think maybe they shouldn’t have been
      6. We forgive each other for the dumb things we do and move forward

      • sistasinzion

        Love your list Rachel!

      • Southern Baptist Sista

        I love this post. It says it all.

    • sistasinzion

      Sister Lewis love the idea!

      1. Service, service, service!
      2. Focus on family.
      3. Utilize the atonement.
      4. Encourage self-improvement.
      5. Read their brothas and sistas lists and give great commentary :)

  • Cindy Josley

    In our branch. There are a lot of single women that come. They are always told you’ll marry someone in your next life. Thanks for the reminder. I’ll try hard.

    • sistasinzion

      Cindy, your great to be open to ways you can help the single sisters in your branch. Thanks for being a good example to me.

  • Renee

    I’m born n raised in North Carolina and saying “bless your heart” or “bless his/her/their” heart(s) is not said with the same intent that it’s portrayed here. Someone mentioned earlier it’s a Southern thing, not a Mormon thing. And that’s true. Somebody who doesn’t understand true Southern culture decided to start using that phrase with a whole new meaning. So I agree that the new definition under which it’s being used and was never intended, should stop. Because that’s not what we mean at all when we say it. I was brought up saying it as an expression of having real sincere compassion for another person’s misfortune “Uncle Bob can’t get around without his walker nowadays, bless his heart.” Thank y’all for understanding :-)

    • Melissa

      From another Southerner let me say, “very well said!”

    • sistasinzion

      Renee, I grew up in the South I’d have to agree that bless your heart is said with love plenty of times and it’s a cultural phrase for some of us. I just meant to convey that we should think about giving back-handed compliments. “No offense, but…” Sometimes we try to pour on some sugar to mask our salty words.

  • Tac

    Stop judging others. Ahem…

    • sistasinzion

      I thought that one was given, but maybe I should have put it on the list. ;)

  • Chris

    Not saying you’re nuts, but I never hear Mormons saying “Bless your heart” or “Praise the Lord.” If I do hear someone saying that, I assume they are Southern Baptists or some such.

    I don’t see much sign of the other things you think we should ‘stop doing,’ either. Perhaps you just have some odd friends or relatives. At the very least, I think that if you are waiting until ‘the next life’ to get married, you are going to be sorely disappointed. The next life has the same people in it as we have here.

    • Gail

      “If I do hear someone saying that, I assume they are Southern Baptists or some such.”
      This is offensive to me, just what do you mean by “or some such”? Do you look at us as second class Christians if we are not Mormons? Please remember not all who read the articals are Mormon. With remarks like these I can’t see why we would want to be. Just sayin’.

      • sistasinzion

        Gail, thank you for reading our blog, we love diversity! Thanks also for the wonderful reminder that Christianity is wide and welcoming and we need to be mindful of how our remarks may come across to those of other religions or Christians who are not the same denomination that we are.

    • sistasinzion

      “The next life has the same people in it as we have here.” LOL!

      I appreciate your comments! The “some such” at the end of your Southern Baptist remark could be taken as dismissive of other Christian faiths as Gail points out.

      Mormons come from many diverse cultural and religious backgrounds and there’s quite a few Latter-day Saints who praise the Lord and bless some hearts. If you ever attend an LDS Genesis fireside you’ll met a chapel full of Mormons who clap during the hymns and say Amen during the service too.

    • GailStensland

      Not so ~ there will millions more!

  • Melissa

    I don’t know where you’re from, but, “Bless your heart,” is a Southern thing not a “Mormon thing.” It is only recently that the saying came about that “you can say anything you want about someone as long as you say, ‘Bless their heart.”‘ As a Southerner, I’ll let all the Western Mormons keep the saying “You guys,” if y’all will keep hands off miss-using our SOUTHERN “Bless your heart,” which I was taught to be a kind and loving sentiment.

    • sistasinzion

      Melissa, I grew up in the south so I do agree that “bless your heart” isn’t a trademark of the Mormons by any means. I’ve seen it used with a smile and with a smirk and it’s the smirk that I’m meaning to speak to, not just with the phrase bless your heart, but with our words in general. “No offense, but…” falls in this category too.

    • GailStensland

      Melissa, just so you know ~ “you guys” is a Northern thing as well. I’m from Chicago and when my cousin from New Orleans spent a summer here as a teenager, she picked up that saying. When she went back home, her friends and family shamed her to tears!!

  • MexicanMormon

    Dear beautiful creatures of Heavenly Father, your point is well taken but, bless your freaking hearts, please do not generalize all the LDS community into your “should stop doing” proclamation. Your statements don’t apply to mormons in most parts of the globe. In Mexico, for example, we don’t have or use the mormon cliches or sayings you spoke about. Most of these cliches and sayings are very localized to the mormons in the U.S. and even more so in Utah. Fortunately, our lives as latter-day saints in this spot of the globe is simple, uncluttered and without much noise.

    And Sheila, I appreciate your comments, but I would like to add that maybe that sister with a crying baby in sacrament may be a sister with 5 kids and a non-member husband that is not there to support her . Maybe you, I, all, should lend a helping hand and offer assistance with that crying baby.

    Love You All … peace out …

    MexicanMormon

    • sistasinzion

      I guess a better title would have been “5 things that some Mormon Christians or Christians in general or People in general that do these 5 things may want to think about ceasing to do…please, if you want to.” Yes the list is general, includes things that may be more prone in American-Mormon-Utah culture and is based on humorous observations by a diverse, but not all inclusive sector of the LDS population. Point taken our sista in Christ. :) Peace and love to you as well!

  • Heidi Worlton

    I think that we all need to stop being so judgmental of each other! We are never going to agree with everyone. We are never going to get along with each other. But, we need to stop tearing each other down. Heavenly Father would not want His children to do that to each other.

    • Zina

      I have learned with my work and my spouse that not everyone has a memory or remembers appropriate behavior. Brains sometimes start to deteriorate for whatever reason and thinking and connecting the words that come out don’t correlate with what is considered the right thing. People can look normal, but inside neurology can be quite messed up. Sometimes surprising things come out of people mouths. Inability to remember or control their social graces. I’m always worried that our server might spit in our food after my husband makes comments. They don’t know his brain isn’t working right. He thinks he is funny. I work in medical and have a patient who can only understand you if you write things down. This was frustrating as there is limited time in our appointments and our schedule is tight. When expressing this frustration to our radiologist, he looked at her prior studies. He found a CT scan that showed a stroke in a part of the brain that she is unable to understand when we talk to her, but she can talk and read. I no longer dread working with her. I come in with smiles and excited to see her and show her compassion and kindness. I prepare ahead if I have questions. She was not making this up. She is less frustrated trying to communicate with me and smiles more. I am so glad I learned this lesson. I am able to look at others differently now. I loved this 5 things article. Thank you for adding humor. My husband was going to be baptized a couple of years ago. Then just before the baptism he backed out. His medication changed that week and he started having bad dreams. One couple didn’t get the email and showed up to the baptism. This sweet elderly lady asked me why he decided not to be baptized. When I told her, she was very puzzled. I personally knew he felt the spirit. I came home one day and he was reading a pamphlet on the restoration after a visit with the missionaries. I had never seen him so excited and at peace. I knew he knew that the church was true. So when he decided not to be baptized, I was upset, a little angry. But I realized that Heavenly Father knows his brain is not right. I have to let that be and Heavenly Father will show mercy on him and I need to also. And when this elderly sister keeps inquiring of my husband, I just have to understand that she just doesn’t understand or mean any offense. She is not digging at my inability to convert my husband and be sealed in the temple. I just politely say that everything is o.k.

  • Sly Syl

    I study my scriptures every day. If you would do that, your life will turn around. Sorry, but there is no guarantees that you will not have sorrowful experiences ahead. (Scriptures will help you get through them but will not guarantee that your life will be blissful!)

  • Tina

    I love them and agree with them all. I have even been guilty of some.

    The one I would like to add: Mormons need to stop praying for the food to nourish and strengthen our bodies. If the food has the nutrients needed, then it will nourish. But if it is full of refined flour, corn syrup, or red dye # 5, all the praying in the world is not going to change that toxic mess into wine (figuratively speaking). We should, however, always give thanks for the food we have been blessed with. And to show our gratitude, we should choose food that will indeed “nourish and strengthen our bodies”.

    • Kathy Smith

      Or, why do we ‘bless the hands’ that prepared the food? Can we just go ahead and bless the person, as in ‘please bless Mom for making this great dinner, and Dad for providing it’?

      • Dave B.

        Yes!!! It that “hands that prepard it” saying a cultural or historical thing? Where did it get started? Anyone know? I’ve never understood that one.

    • Dave B.

      Apparently it’s a Methodist thing? When did the LDS folks start using it?

  • Justin

    Maybe I’m going against the Brethren…but I will continue to defend my church on the Internet. Neutral parties are affected by the negativity and lies spread by our anti- counterparts. I will continue to spend time reproving them.

  • Lyn Wroe

    I am probably going to get flamed for this…but I am going to say it anyway.

    STOP

    Idolizing some members that serve missions.
    We have a couple in our stake that are now serving…yes, she has some major health problems (yet they still managed to go overseas!?), but they are not the only couple from our stake that has served and will serve.

    David Archuleta is not the only “celebrity” that has served and I am sure he won’t be the last.

    It is important that we treat all missionaries the same. All of them are giving up 18 months to 3 years of their lives.

    Lyn :o)

  • Kylee

    I love number 2! When people are down on themselves, you need to tell them to just get their butts out there and try to find their companion! Telling them they’ll just get married in the next life is not comforting, especially when said single is only in their 20’s or 30’s. Ohhh the crazy things we do as Mormons! ;P

  • http://therommfamily.blogspot.com/ LKP_aka_keely

    Truth! <3 Thanks for this. Made my day to not be alone in these irritations. I've got my own stuff to sort out, but about these pet peeves I can only keep my mouth zipped for so long. Have been dying to rant on my own blog about the very same things, so thank you for doing it for me. ::hugs::

  • Betty

    Could not agree more with the need to be polite and kind when using social media or making comments. It is so refreshing to see positive, supportive comments.

    Thanks for the reminder to think before we open our mouths.

    I have honestly never heard the comment “bless her(your) heart” from an LDS woman anywhere but in the south. I have heard a lot of my southern friends from various religions use that phrase. It does seem to often preface a catty remark.

    Keep up the good work, and maybe we can even get rid of the carrots in our Jello.

    • GailStensland

      I was thinking the same thing ~ it really is a Southern thing!

  • Vera

    I am in my sixties and have never married. I have FINALLY come to terms with the fact I will, in all likelihood, never marry. I have told people that 2 things impede getting married. First- there is no one I wish to marry. Second- no one wishes to marry me. Even if the first changes, there is the second to stop progress. I finally asked the most persistent fool why they wanted to keep reminding me that I am a reject? No one has ever stayed for long and marriage has eluded me. I have prayed for a spouse, gone to single activities, gone to other social things, and no one has offered me a partnership. Please people, Just STOP IT!!! It is not always kindness to so call show sympathy. It comes across as nosiness and it is none of your business. Because I don’t show sorrow at what life has offered, doen’t mean I don’t feel the loss.

    • becky

      LOVE your last sentence in particular, Vera. What an incredible attitude you have. Thanks for your comment, example, and explanation.

    • sallysue

      I was married and now people ask when my husband died. I am the queen of flipancy. So if you don’t like that, just don’t ask me a personal question.

  • johnrpack

    Nice list! I agree completely.

    As for saying, “I’ll pray for you.” I find that if I say such a thing, I absolutely must say such a prayer the moment I’m alone and have some contemplative time. Sometimes that’s in the hall as I walk to Sunday School… If you ever say such a thing in anger, then pray until you can forgive, leave it behind you, and actually offer a sincere prayer for the other person.

    As for multi-level “opportunities,” just say no immediately and, on a follow-up, remind them of your first answer. You can even use the phrase “is that yer final answer? Yes, for $1 million dollars, that’s my final answer.”

    • Zina

      I’m thinking that you shouldn’t turn down every multi-level marketing opportunity. They are not all bad. In fact, I just found the best ever. This one shouldn’t be passed over. I almost did.

  • Morgan

    Or we could just worry about what we can personally improve on, instead of making “pet peeve” lists about what everyone else should stop doing. And then blog about that… Just a thought.

    • CJ Lindsay

      Well said!

  • CJ Lindsay

    You forgot to add to the list that mormons should stop judging others….especially for judging others when they do the 5 things listed in your articile! Just saying…..

  • Annette

    We SHOULD NOT SAVE SEATS!!!!! how do you think it affects a non member visiting our church to go to sit down and the benches are strewn with coats, purses, quiet books, scriptures, etc.? I have seen people go to sit down and be told, “my family is coming late, so these seats are taken”. Such bad manners….tacky!!!!

  • Fred

    6. Stop asking the 19 (now 18 year old man), when he plans to serve a mission. Gawd I hated that when I was young!
    7. Stop asking older men if they served a mission. (You know, sometimes the answer is “no”).
    8. Stop judging the less-active member of the church who is now returning to church by asking them, “where have you been for so long” or “you really should have came back to church much sooner”.
    9. Stop being self-righteous
    10. Stop telling others that caffeinated drinks are forbidden and that you are in violation of the Word of Wisdom if you drink them. (For those of you who say and think this, you’d better put those Hershey bars away for good)
    11. Stop going to the bishop for help when you have a flat tire or hang-nail.

    • LeslieD

      Let’s refrain from asking when people are going on missions/or have they served missions. Only worthy men and women may serve. I know a young man who went on his mission unworthily. I didn’t rat him out because it wasn’t my place. I know he went because he didn’t want to disappoint the parents or have people speculate and then consequently judge him for not going on a mission. It made me sad because I know the pressure he felt. Let’s put that one on the list with don’t ask women if they are pregnant when it isn’t necessarily obvious. And don’t ask why someone isn’t taking the sacrament either. Thanks for your list, Fred. I agree with yours as well. We need to stop looking at others period and just pay attention to our own journey to exaltation.

  • laurel

    I always get frustrated when I read people’s criticism and anger at things that people say wrong. I personally believe that people who are always taking offense are just as at fault (sometimes more so) than people who sometimes say the wrong thing. Brigham Young said “only a fool takes offense when no offense was intended.” I am afraid we are to the point where no one dares visit another who is grieving or try to show compassion in any way because we are so afraid of saying the “wrong” things. I wish we could all just love each other and give each other the benefit of assuming the best of their intentions. My mother was a beautiful example of never taking offense, and I saw her win hearts that way. I will always love her for that example.

    • laurel

      (I am referring to the comments, not the article. Certainly we should work on the things mentioned in the article–like saying negative things about others and fighting on the internet! The article was light-hearted and well intentioned, just the comments tend to get out-of-hand!)

    • Connie Ireland Holso

      How true. The whole quote is “He who takes offense when offense was not intended is a fool, yet he who
      takes offense when offense is intended is an even greater fool for he
      has succumbed to the will of his adversary.” –
      Brigham Young I think the second half of the quote is just as important to remember. If someone intends to offend us, then we are buying right into it when we take it to heart. It really is their problem, not ours, and when we succumb we fall into Satin’s trap of making ourselves feel inferior. I think if we can teach our children this there will be a lot less hurt feeling and it would even decrease bullying as the bullies would not get the reaction they are going for.

  • Melissa

    I love this list! As a single sister, I have been on the receiving end of “maybe in the next life.” I try to tell myself their hearts are in the right place, but really people, there is no way to say that to a single person without sounding extremely patronizing!

    The one about celebrity members serving a mission is a bit of a pet peeve to me. I understand why people advertised David Archuleta’s mission as a positive example, but I got really annoyed about articles/blogs speculating why Donny Osmond, Steve Young, and all the rest didn’t. Is it headline news when the son of our Home Teacher doesn’t go on a mission? Of course not. We don’t know what’s going on in his life, family, or heart, and it’s none of our business, just like with celebrity Mormons. None of us are perfect- we all have our own weaknesses and shortcomings. It’s a shame when we focus on what we perceive as the shortcomings of others simply because it’s more visible. Not serving a mission is no better or worse than the person who doesn’t pay tithing or doesn’t have FHE in their home- the only difference is the entire ward (or world for that matter) doesn’t know about it.

  • Heather

    thank you for more insight – I am new in a calling – that of Single Adult (31+) Rep and your posting about getting the spouse in the next life is perfectly said! I plan to cite your blog in our party next week!

  • Julie

    Oh, man, I’m always doing the forget-to-pray-for-people-who-just-shared-their-tragedy-and-I-got-nothin’-else. You have officially called me to repentance. Unless I forget again. Sigh.

    • LeslieD

      Amen, Julie. I think this discussion could lead to #4 based on comments I have read already, but honestly some of us needed the wake up call. I am the worst about this. I have been trying for the last month to really give more thought to flippantly saying I will pray for someone. I take the time to send a small prayer then at the very least. I also make a point of putting names in the temple. I know how much I need the prayers of others so I know I need to do the same in return. Thanks for admitting this. I think all of us kind of taking an inward look can help others who are weak in certain areas. It doesn’t have to become a sounding board for the offended.

    • becky

      Me, too, Julie. That # above really struck home as I thought about how many times I have said (with real intent) that I would pray for someone —- and that’s the last time I even think about it. I have to really work on follow-through or else learn to stop right then and there to say that prayer!

      Sometimes when I say my prayers at night, (I admit while blushing) I ask Heavenly Father to please bless all the people who I *meant* to pray for but can no longer remember who they were. I know that HE will perfectly remember their names, their heartaches & painful situations, and know how best to bless them. (This is not an excuse, btw, just how I try to cope with my failing memory, at times.)

  • Jodi

    I wonder what the Lord would think of all these comments?

  • Jill Stockford

    I would add this: church members do not “own” or hold “reservations” on church pews in the chaple. You and your family may have their favorite spot/pew to sit in church, but you have no right to ask someone to move if their sitting in “your seat” which really isn’t “your” seat. This happens more often than not. My mom gets to church early and takes a seat. Then, as people arrive, someone will ask her to change seats because “this is where they usually sit.” So, my mom gets up and moves to a new seat. Then someone else arrives and asks if she wouldn’t mind moving because “that’s where they like to sit.” One Sunday, my mom moved 5 times because someone showed up and informed her she was in their usual seat. My opinion: first come, first serve. My mom was there first. She gets the seat. How rude to make people get up and change seats just because that’s where you like to sit. How about get there early enough to get your favorite seat before someone else takes it if it really means that much to you? And how does this look to visitors or investigators that have no idea which seats are “taken” by certain families normally? You do not have any claim on any seat/pew in the chaple. Stop expecting people to give up their seat because you believe it’s yours just because you usually get it every Sunday. First come, first serve. No reservations. No claims. No asking people to get out of “your seat” which isn’t yours anyway. You snooze you lose. You want your favorite seat, get to church faster and beat the crowd. I realize that members gravitate to the same spots every Sunday to sit. That’s fine. But if your favorite spot is already taken, sit somewhere else. You will still recieve the message in the talks being given during sacrament. But for Heaven’s sake, stop telling people to move out of your seat. IT’S NOT YOUR SEAT!!!

    • Me

      Amem! It is just ridiculous and spoiled atittude saving seats at church!

    • Guest

      only in Utah!!!

    • Bea Sandoval Jones

      only in Utah

    • Gershonite

      AMEN to that. I was at a GC session in another Stake and arrived early only to find that certain seats had been saved for individuals who would arrive later. Me, being me, just sat down and was asked to move by the member who was saving the seats. I replied “would the Saviour ask me to move?” and was told no, I then replied “Then don’t ask me as you should never do what the Saviour wouldn’t do”

  • Jeanie

    The definitive list of “no no’s” . . . I loved them. I must say that the pic in number 4 had me rolling on the floor!! (Funny enough, our gramps loves to write in caps). Yes, a Sista must steer away from mixing it up on social media. Some things are better left unsaid. ‘Nuff said :)

  • Michelle M.

    Harsh.

  • Gabriel

    Bless your heart for writing this, but…

    • me

      wow

  • Jessica

    In response to #5 – How do YOU know if said person will or will not “pray for” another when they say so? My prayers are between me and God. If there is actually some sort of gauge to tell whether or not someone is just “saying it” without meaning it, please share. Someone very dear to me is fighting for their lives right now and when people say they will “pray” for me or him, it means a lot to me. Prayers help and are real. If any of these people are offenders of “more talk than praying”, then so be it. I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and say they are being genuine, because whenever I have said that to someone it is because I want them to know how deeply I care about them and their situation, and I most definitely DO pray for them. Whether or not others “follow through” is not really up for me or anyone else to assume. Assuming is judging.

    • me

      true that!

    • LeslieD

      I think that this doesn’t apply to everyone. However, it does apply to me. I don’t mean it to be untrue. I just forget. So I can agree with it. If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, God bless those who pray unceasingly. I know prayers are said in my behalf, but even before I read this list I became aware that I did this. Not on purpose though. So now, when I say it I do it right then so I won’t forget.

    • E.M.Sol

      When I say that I will pray for someone, or when I add that in an email to someone, I often say a prayer in my heart, quietly, for that person right after I have told them I would. That way I don’t forget. However, I also believe that by saying you will pray for them, God “takes note” (to say it that way) and it will benefit the person who you really want to pray for. God knows the intents of our hearts, and he, of course, also knows how busy our lives are (small children, church callings, work, grandchildren, etc. – the list is VERY long; we live in a time when there are so many things competing for our attention that it is sometimes all too easy to forget even the best of intentions). If you live close enough to the temple to call the name in to be prayed for in the temple, you can, with the person’s permission, do that, too.

  • http://facebook daddask8@gmail.com

    HA! These made me smile!:) And one I would certainly add to the list of what Mormons should not do is tell other Mormons what they should not do!:)

    • abc

      is that sarcasam at the beginning?

  • WDM

    Why do all the people who don’t have little children to get ready for church always get there first and sit on the ends of the benches? Then they glare at you when you have to pack the 5 littles and the infant car seat in over the top of them. When did common manners get forgotten?
    When I was a kid we weren’t allowed to sit on the ends of the pews and make people climb over us.
    WDM

    • Carol no carrots in my jello please Lincoln

      I wonder the same thing….we have the same issue in our ward. All the empty nesters sit on the ends…Big empty spaces in the middles. The the families have to climb over them, it’s a shame when I step on their feet going across…lol I keep hoping our bishop will make an announcement or something for them to be more mindful or courtesy. I don’t know if they are just use to sitting there from when they had young families or if they just want the end so they can make a run for the bathroom or the next meeting? Hopefully it is something they are doing not realizing it and maybe it could be mentioned to the Bishopric in your ward. I hope it gets better for you. =)

      • Connie Ireland Holso

        Sometimes older people have trouble walking and so maneuvering down between the pews is difficult for them. We have a number of older people in our ward with this problem. Some of them choose to sit on the back row behind the aisle, but there are still several who do sit in the end seats of the pew. Having a bad knee myself I understand why they do it even though I myself do not do so, I sit with my daughter and her family. But I don’t think it is meant to be rude or thoughtless, but rather a issue of agility.

        • dd

          It’s closer to the bathroom.

      • rebecca

        Personally, I would rather stand in the back, or even in the hallway before taking a seat in the middle of a pew and getting trapped. I know many people that will not sit in the middle and only on the ends. Lack of control, claustrophobia…needing a clear exit are the reasons I can’t move over to the middle. I need to see windows to the outside so it’s difficult to be in Sacrament Mtg in buildings with no windows in the chapel. Feeling trapped is not fun.

  • me

    how do you even know if they pray or not when they say they will, what do you spy on everbody?
    and the other one if you dont get married in this life you will have a choice in heaven its a fact. and we dont always say bless your heart only christions do!

    • LeslieD

      The point of this list was to say that many of us give knee jerk responses. If you say it and you do it then that’s awesome. The point is if you say it, do it and if you aren’t going to to do it, don’t say it. On your second point, it doesn’t matter if it’s a fact. Some people may find that of little comfort when you are married with your large brood. It’s a little insensitive. It’s the same as telling someone that everything happens for a reason when some tragedy befalls them. Better to pray for them without even telling them and let them know that if they need anything you are there to listen or help them.

  • one of the other mothers

    “You’d make a great Mormon.” :/ (When said to people of other faiths, or no faith, sounds pretty condescending.)

  • Diane Somers

    Let’s not judge each other. As to all the aforementioned items, I believe that many situations suffer from just that, people judging people.
    Truly, let’s focus on acceptance & love instead.

    • Natalie Kimble

      Yes this. Big yes.

    • becky

      Beautifully said. I agree with you whole-heartedly. Less condemnation; more compassion. Thank you.

  • http://AOL.com TJ Nichols

    I was quite shocked to find “The Law of Sarah,” IN Doctrine & Covenants, 132. This explains how sisters are given husbands in the hear after. The last 5 paragraphs were a real eye opener, & goes into detail how this is done. It is not openly taught in Gosple Doctrine, as not to scare new members, but for single sisters who have asked me in church, if they will be left out, I show them this scripture, so they won’t worry.

  • Carol no carrots in my jello please Lincoln

    First, I love you both… Second, when I hear “Bless your heart,” it makes me think of my great, great Aunt Genvieve, from Coalville, Utah who was like 102 and one of the “other” kind of Mormons…lol she would always have coffee flavored hard candies for us, that my mother hated us eating.

    Okay I would like to add my little “Stop It’ to your list if I may… By the way your list is spot on, and I love it and agree!!!

    #6. for me, and I am just saying’ – “Stop making excuses for your own short comings or faults…” Well, I just don’t have time to go to the temple or do family history, etc. My husband works late, the kids have practice, the cat has the flew, blah,blah,blah…. well cry me a river right? If it is important to you, YOU will make time for it, bottom line, now shut the heck up and I don’t bless your heart. (just kidding of course – well kinda) Heck none of us are perfect, just admit it. And it basically is our fault in some way by our choices, or laziness or whatever the situation is, who cares deal with it. We have to change our ways, and carry on… no one wants to hear me moan, or complain or make excuses why my life is not perfect….right? And likewise….ok back to ya’ll Sistas!

    • becky

      While I agree that too often we rationalize, make excuses, and justify things we do (or don’t do), I feel it is a bit judgmental and unkind to say that everyone’s “excuses” are their own fault and that no one wants to hear why their life is not perfect.

      I also agree that a cheerful spirit, a “can do” attitude, and viewing our choices and priorities honestly (and possibly changing them) will help us to accomplish more of what God wants us to.

      However, there really ARE people in situations NOT of their own making and who have real physical, mental, and/or emotional challenges. I am one of those people now, and I have *no* idea how to respond when people ask me to do things that I can no longer do. They don’t want to hear my “excuses,” but I can’t bear to be thought to be irresponsible, lazy, “less active”, etc, etc., so I simply don’t know what to say. (Fibromyalgia, for example, is not on the same “worthy & acceptable” level as cancer or a stroke or 2 broken legs.) I know that I am often judged and criticized behind my back.

      I feel incredible guilt for the “new me”, sometimes question my own purpose in life now that I am not productive, and try to hold all my emotions and reasons inside myself because there are very few people who want to hear about my challenges, let alone try to understand them, or assist me. (The Lord has blessed me with incredibly Christ-like girl friends for which I am deeply grateful.)

      So, I suggest that we each focus on carefully evaluating our OWN life-choices to see if we can more closely align natures and our actions to those of the Savior’s — and less on wanting to change other people. Can we be more compassionate? a full tithe payer? a full-time mom? increase our temple attendance? listen with love to others? ask God what *HE* wants us to do?

      No one, as you say, is perfect, and we all have plenty of room for improvement, so let’s support one another in this life of lessons and trials rather than tear down one another. Just my thoughts.

      • Heather

        My mom and I also have fibromyalgia, and while I am currently feeling quite well and can fulfill my callings, that is not always the case. I have really struggled and felt very guilty about asking to be released from a calling, to the point where I have kept my calling to the detriment of my health, and probably to the detriment of my calling as well. I have been fortunate to live in very open, non-judgemental, compassionate wards and I have never needed to explain to people why I couldn’t do something.
        My mother’s health is a lot less stable and she is a very enthusiastic person. She will go all out for a period of time and she is always called to very intense positions like Relief Society President or a Mission Leader. She’ll crash and be homebound for weeks and has to constantly explain to people who take it as a personal insult, tell her she’s just depressed or tell her she can’t be sick because “you look fine”. On the opposite extreme are the people that treat her like an invalid and don’t want her to help fold chairs after Relief Society. If she’s feeling to week to do it, she won’t.
        On the other hand, there are a lot of things that I could do a lot better at, like FHE and scripture study, that I make excuses for, but really I was just being lazy or not in the mood. I’m sure everybody goes through that, some of us just wallow in it longer than others.
        I conclusion, we all have our own issues to deal with. Some are because of circumstances out of our control and others are not. It’s not anybody else’s place to judge or ask nosey questions, but we have to be careful not to get offended by well intentioned inquires from people who genuinely want to help.

    • Lucy in OK

      We DO find time for things that are most important for us….who ever says “I haven’t been in the shower all month because I’ve just been way too busy and overwhelmed!” ? lol

  • Sienna

    As a single woman, there are two comments I really dislike. One is— “WHY are you single?” How do I answer that? I really don’t think they want to hear the gory tales of my unfaithful ex-husband as we stand the middle of the church foyer… Seriously?! Why do people who barely know you ask such a personal question in such a public setting? Then there are those who follow that same question with…”You must be too picky.” The implication is that I have complete control over the situation and if I weren’t so picky I could be married. One of these days I think I am going to just say, “Yes, I am picky. I am looking for a man who honors his priesthood, treats me with respect, and can take me to the temple– and that is pretty hard to find in the over 40 group!”

    • becky

      Go for it, Sister Sienna! Tell rude, heartless people who say you are “too picky” that you ARE picky and waiting for a righteous, respectful, loving priesthood holder. I’m so sorry that you (and others) have to deal with insensitive, intrusive people.

      If it’s any comfort, I believe that God gives each of us the lessons and opportunities we need to become better, more empathetic and compassionate people.

    • Carol

      Hi Sienna, your comment prompted me to reply. I too am a single mature lady. I had occasion to meet up in the parking lot of the grocery store with an old high school friend (male) who asked me the same question only he referred to me (jokingly) as an old maid!!!!: Fortunately, only a few days previously my niece sent me a clipping from the newspaper which said “You are not an old maid,but
      an unclaimed treasure”. I loved having received this so I could say that to him.. I have used it many times since when that question is posed to me.

    • Wendy

      Sometimes when people ask rude questions, they deserve the rude answer. Maybe you should just go ahead and tell them about your unfaithful husband and go on and on. I’ll bet that would shut them up and make them think twice next time about asking rude questions. :)

  • Blank

    Stop holding grudges, stop acting immature
    Stop gossiping, judging unrighteously
    Get out of the bubble and talk to non-Mormons
    ……sigh…..we as supposed sisters have a long
    way to go before we are “one” : (
    We are not the world but are supposed to be
    above it…..Lets just try a little harder : )

  • Michelle

    Stop preaching to others of their iniquities, when you are not following the teachings of christ, and breaking the 10 commandments. Let go of things that didn’t go right in your life, and quit blaming others.

  • GailStensland

    When approaching a less-active member, for crying out loud DO NOT ask him/her “where have you been?!”

    • Natalie Kimble

      So true. Or make the whole focus of your conversation how it’s been so long since you’ve seen them.

    • Katmandu

      As a “less-active member,” I can tell you that the thing that MOST makes me NOT want to return to the fold is the cartoonish reactions I get from members when I DO show up. “Oh, my GOSH! You made it!!!” “Wow! It’s been FOREVER!” OR, my personal favorite: “I’ve missed you SO MUCH!” (my internal response to this is the desire to ask if that person’s phone has been broken)….etc. None of these over-the-the top expressions of “welcome” have ever helped increase my desire to attend…they have only ever made me feel more isolated and different.

      Just my 2 cents…

      • Amanda

        Wow you just said it all!! Couldn’t agree more!!!

      • John Mill

        I would love to know – what would?
        As someone who has never really been ‘less-active’ how should I respond to those who are? What would make it easier to come back?

        • Heather

          All that is needed is a warm smile and simple “Hi!”

          And if it’s someone who doesn’t know others very well, maybe a genuine, “hey, want to come sit by me?”

          It’s that easy.

        • Katmandu

          Simple interaction, I suppose. People who wish to feel slighted and/or insulted will find a way to do so, regardless of how you react. As Ellie (above) stated, “you can’t please everyone.”

          Sincerity works best for me. I have a pretty decent gift of discernment (read: “sensitive BS detector” LOL), and I can tell if someone truly missed me/is glad to see me, etc. Genuine expression, not masked in humor or sarcasm, works pretty well for most people. I know it can be uncomfortable seeing “us” sometimes, especially if we have somehow fallen through the cracks amidst the daily grind and stresses of those who are active. I’ve been on both sides of this fence, and I have been guilty of the prevailing Mormon “out of sight, out of mind” that tends to happen when someone within the tight LDS social circle steps slightly out of it. It happens. People are busy, and rightfully focused on their own families, issues, etc. But, there are a myriad of reasons why someone may stop attending church meetings, activities, etc. Sometimes, all those people need is acknowledgment, a decent listener, or a “leaning post.” We can ALL use that from time to time.

          And, sometimes, all we “less actives” need is to feel needed. Give us a job. Not a CALLING, necessarily…not right away. Just a simple job. Or, find out where the “L.A.” member’s talents lie, and ask for specific help utilizing it. For example, I sing. I have been known to (when asked) “show up” for choir, even when not attending Sacrament Meeting.

    • Ellie

      Except I just had a lady on my Facebook (not in my ward) go on a super long rant about how she hadn’t gone to church in 3 weeks, and no one from her ward had called, sent a FB message, figured out why, ect. She was seriously upset about it, to the point where she said it had “shaken her faith”. You can’t please everyone.

  • Yvonne Allen

    Time to heed the call of calling ourselves members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and not Mormons. When I was young this was an important counsel and seems to be so again.

    PS where did Sista’s come from? What is wrong with Sister?

  • LeslieD

    I could not agree more with all of these things, some of which I have been guilty of myself. I am especially grateful for #4. I cringe when I see latter-day-saints totally judging others and putting them down for their choices (the last one being a who-drinks-caffeine poll). We are all sinners even though are sins may differ. If Christ were here today he would not do anything that was imperfect, but he would show us the way by his humble teaching. Recently, I complained on a FB post that the lady in front of me during Stake Conference and her whole family had out phones and tablets which distracted me so much I kept losing track of conference. Not only did they have them out, the kids were playing violent video games. I didn’t mean to be mean-spirited or even offensive. I was simply raising awareness to others who might not realize that their actions may affect others. This lady was a stranger to me and not a FB contact. However, my comment was offensive to someone and started an argument between other people commenting on my post. I felt bad about it because I was not trying to judge. I just felt a little robbed of the spirit that day. Point is, be careful with social media. I am a really nice person and definitely go out of my way not to judge being completely imperfect, but I do not want to be the one to raise the spirit of contention. When we do, it is a small victory for the adversary.

  • Lo

    Perfect!!! :)

  • ponysparkle

    I think this article encourages judgment. : (

    • itscindylou

      I think your statement is judgemental.

  • Alice Eck Johnson

    Just had to mention, that although I agree that being a celebrity Mormon is never an excuse, I did hear a very emotional Steve Young give a fireside in which he confessed that he begged his bishop to let him serve a mission and the bishop told him that he was not to be called and needed to go on with what he was doing. it’s been awhile since I heard it, but you could feel his desire to have served. I think we need to be careful not to make excuses or pass judgment.

    • sandic

      This is similar to the reason why not only Donny Osmond but all his performing brothers did not serve missions. When the older brothers reached mission age, The Osmond Brothers as a group were gaining international recognition on the pop scene. There was concern among church leaders that the presence of any of them, particularly Donny, would be disruptive to the point of hindering missionary efforts. Instead, they used any opportunity to share the Gospel with their fans, many of whom became active, endowed members.

  • JayTee

    Hey gals, Joe Taylor in South Sandy here . . . once again giving you the benefit of my opinion, because I feel EVERYONE has a right to my opinion. Maybe one theme you could discuss with people is the idea that religion, and/or ecclesiastical involvement and/or affiliation, gives nobody a waiver with regard to either common sense or reality. Let me give you a couple of examples: Some people actually believe that if they’re just “righteous” enough, that everything else will be handed to them without effort; yeah, if you’re good you should be blessed . . . and particularly with ability and opportunity; but you need to invest some thought and effort as well. Another one is the idea that “obeying” the Word of Wisdom guarantees health regardless of other lifestyle choices. I know people who could be strapped to a chair and threatened with a butane torch, and they’d never take a single sip of tea or coffee–but they’ll drop half a dozen doughnuts or a quart of ice cream without batting and eye, and then somehow expect to live a long life with excellent health. I always tell people that the Gospel of Salvation will help them in many ways . . . but the gospel of failure, the gospel of goofy, and the standard of stupid . . . not so much. We were given (well, most of us anyway) a certain degree of functional intelligence for a reason, and the reason was so we could use it wisely to progress, and not buy into asinine nonsense that looks and sounds as dumb as it actually is. Religion is no excuse to fail or be irresponsible, and I don’t care who might claim something contrary to this obvious fact. Maybe I should e-mail this to you, so I’m sure you’ll get it. Yeah, I’ll do that . . . because again, you have a right to my opinion.

    • Ladyofthelake

      Yay! Love it.

  • Amanda

    #6 – Enough with hypocrisy..

  • Julia

    The bless your heart is more of a southern thing than a Mormon thing. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a someone say it that wasn’t raised with southern culture.

    • Vishai

      Born and raise in slc. My mom says it all the time. It’s pretty bad, I just think it’s really dated.

  • Donna

    I have never in my 40+ years as a member of the Church ( on both coasts) heard anyone say ” Bless her heart” But while visiting Alabama I heard it several times from nonmembers.

    • Sandy Findley

      I’m a Cali girl (yes, some of us do refer to it as Cali) and I Bless Hearts all the time. I try to use it in only a good way (yes you can bless someone’s heart for being good). I was in Indiana for awhile and I miss hearing “You have a blessed day” on a frequent basis.

  • Zachary Wheeler

    I’m a brother in Zion, but I just have to agree wholeheartedly with point number 2. Telling someone who is struggling to get married that they will get married in the next life is no comfort whatsoever. That is just another way of saying “I’m sorry, but you will never get married in this life. Nobody is ever going to want you. You’re undesirable and you are going to spend the rest of your life alone. Sucks to be you.” I don’t know who the heck thought that such a statement could ever provide any comfort to a struggling single member. Married members really need to learn empathy and put themselves in the shoes of single members and ask themselves “If I was struggling to get married and struggling to find someone, would I like being told that I will have to wait to get married in the next life?”

    Both my sisters are over the age of 25 and one just turned 30 and both haven’t gotten married yet. Both have been told by some members that they will get married in the next life and both of them have been greatly offended by such statements. Just because someone doesn’t get married before the age of 25 doesn’t mean that they will never get married or that they are selfish or that there is something wrong with them. We do not know the individual circumstances of each and every person. Perhaps the person is struggling to find someone with whom they are compatible. Perhaps the person feels discouraged to date because of his or her own personal short comings and feels that nobody would ever want them. Or maybe the person has had negative experiences in the past with the opposite sex and feels that they could never get along with a man or a woman. There are a whole host of reasons why a member could be single past the age of 25 that doesn’t include that they are just selfish and want to make money to spend on themselves.

    It is not our place to judge. Our duty is to love all members, not make false assumptions, and encourage them by telling them that they are meant to be married in this life and that they are endless fish in the sea. I mean, for cryin’ out loud. There are like billions of people on the earth. There is bound to be someone out there for each and every individual.

    And one more thing that is not on the list but I think that young recently married couples need to be told not to do is bragging about their sex life in front of single members. I don’t know if girls in the church do this but several young married guys up here at BYUI where I study have done it. It is rude and disgusting. I don’t want to know how often you’re having sex with your wife nor do I want to know what it feels like or how amazing you think it is. Keep it in the bedroom where it belongs.

    • Candace Lynn Brady

      I never thought of it like the way you phrased it. When I have said something similar to some of my single friends I always thought it would comfort them b/c I didn’t ever look at it as they were somehow unwanted or inferior or something, I just thought it would give them hope that even if it didn’t happen in this life that it wasn’t all over and they would be single forever. I can’t have kids, and i personally hold onto the idea that I will be able to in eternity even if it sucks majorly now, so i kinda thought it was the same sort of idea for my single friends. Thanks for showing me how some single people view it b/c honestly I never thought it would hurt their feelings or I never would have said it. =( Just so you know I didn’t marry til i was 26, Utah has this weird concept of old maid by 23, which doesn’t seem to exist outside of Utah.

      • Zachary Wheeler

        Yes, Utah culture unfortunately is very judgmental of those who aren’t married by the ripe young age of 21. I know that you may be thinking that you are comforting your single friends by saying that they will get married in the next life and maybe you are comforting some of them. However, all members would prefer being married in this life and the idea that they have to remain alone for their whole life is heart breaking despite the promise of marriage after this life. I think that no one under the age of forty should be told they will get married in the next life. All young single adult members should always be given hope. I can understand it being told to someone who unfortunately is already in their 50s and 60s and well past their prime, however, even then such a statement could be hurtful. However, I also read a post on here that contained a quote from Brigham Young that said that those who take offense when no offense was intended are fools. Those of us who are on the receiving end of such statements should follow Brigham Young’s counsel and realize that no offense was intended, therefore, no offense should be taken.

      • RoseE Hadden

        Candace, as a single member, I just want to say Thank You. Thanks for having compassion, checking your privilege, and stretching your boundaries to see things from “my” (and many others’) point of view. Reading your comment really truly just made my whole day. Thank you thank you thank you.

        • Candace Lynn Brady

          I’m glad, i’m just sorry if i ever hurt my friends feelings (i will have to ask them) b/c that’s the last thing in the world I want to do.

    • abish

      I joined the church just before I turned 19. When I turned 30 and was still single with no change in sight, I really wondered if I would be “married in the next life.” Honestly, i was able to make peace with that. There was so much to do in this life even without a family of my own, that was okay. Not great, but okay. I could live with it. And I was able to do things as a single person that I would never allow myself to (too risky!) – or have the time/money to do – as a wife/mother.

      A couple years later I met the man who would change everything. He was inactive and only came to church b/c his brother told him about me. We hit it off, he became active again, and we married. We were sealed in Portland and are now the very proud parents of four incredible teenagers.

      One of my aunts married in her forties. Her sister still hasn’t (now in her 70’s) and prob’ly won’t. They’re both wonderful, beautiful ladies who have had full, creative lives. They have lived the lives they wanted in almost every way.

      I guess the point is that even if we really want to marry here, it may or may not happen. We just need to be the best person we can become – with or without a spouse and children. We need to be the sort of person that the man/woman we want to marry would want. And the best “me” we can be. Then, whatever the Lord wants us to do, we’ll be ready for it.

  • Candace Lynn Brady

    Could not stop laughing and agree 100% Esp. about the last one. I would rather not tell anyone i’m gonna pray for them than to say it and not follow through. I live by the motto my word is my bond, so if I say it and don’t do it then what I say isn’t worth the breath to speak it kwim? Thanks for reminding me about #2 as well. I do have single friends that I have said that maybe there’s a hot Nephite waiting for them on the other side, but that was probably a hurtful thing to say. I guess I have said it b/c I want to comfort them and make them feel better(not b/c i think i’m better or anything, hoenstly I always thought they would find someone long before me) but maybe it would be better to just say that situation sucks i’m sorry instead. Thanks for the reminder!

  • Mellow

    Mormon Sisters need to face the fact that their kids won’t get leprosy if they play or hang out with children of other faiths or of no faith. And the love extended to “all God’s children” CAN’T be conditioned upon whether or not they are going to attend Relief Society mid week…OR take the missionary discussions. And if one child is lost for a season or forever to say…Methodism or Catholicism…it’s worth it if our entire Faith can view all others as children of God. Now…that said…we do need to do all we can to stand up against Rape and Molestation in ANY CHURCH. And if that crap happens…Sistahs shouldn’t be talked into “letting it go” in the name of forgiveness. It perpetuates the problem. And guys committing sex crimes become dry erase rapist and molesters. All of these Rapists and molesters need to go to prison. Period. There is NO exception to that rule…and if there is? I think that means there’s another layer of problems (like that behavior is so accepted that kids are doing it to other kids…in which case…mental health intervention…stat). LOVED the mission one…So impressed with Celebs who lay aside fame for a season and serve. I have NO respect whatsoever for those who do not. Not a drop. And for that matter? All the footballites who ran home to watch Steve Young on a Sunday? Kind of forget one of the basic ten. In my utopia…(which will never be Utahpia) Saints would get and keep the whole Sabbath thing (minus doctors, nurses, and other life saving people…and those who support life saving people who need to work to save and maintain lives…that’s an ox in the mire situation and no, I’m not a doctor or a nurse.) I also think people who are struggling to feed their families should not be shamed for working on the Sabbath. (I don’t fit that mold)…but those who have cable, and other ammenities that they haven’t cut before working on Sunday? Need to get an honestly mirror…and admit that maybe they work on Sunday to pay for somethings they don’t need. Yep and in utopia… men would not rape or molest because of that whole fornication/adultry thing in that list of ten commandments and if they did? Perhaps their parts and limbs would fall off so they could do no more harm and experience no more pleasure. Also…”saintly adults” need to stop insulting youth that show up at church. It’s hard being young…and so when a tall girl in a short skirt walks in…that is NOT the time to say…”Your skirt is too short.” or if a young man with hair a little too long walks in…that is NOT the time to say, “You need a haircut.” The appropriate words to say to ANY youth who walk through the door (Unless they are a rapist) is, “Welcome! We are so happy to see you.” Okay. Done for now. Thanks Sistas.Ohhhh one more thing!!!! Dang…I’m NOT single…and I HAVE KIDS…Single ladies??????? All I can say is…embrace it. The grass seems greener…but…..there are many of us who would LOVE to be in your shoes. Seriously. Just use your time to pursue what you’d like to do! If love happens, great! If love doesn’t happen yet…keep enjoying your freedom and have adventures that are impossible to most marrieds. Seriously. Carpe Diem.

    • Mellow

      Annnnnnd I should probably get to a point where I don’t wonder about the safety of men in general…I was never impacted personally…but have TOO many women I care about that were…and they were ignored. As SIstas in Zion…we can’t ignore that crap. We really do need to fight it. And I realize…there will never be a Utopia…ever…least of all on this planet…so bad choice of words. But I’m an idealist…hanging onto my faith by a thin gossamer strand. Loved your list, though. And I hope you will expand it.

  • Manta

    As a 38-year-old single sister, can I say “AMEN” to #2? Wow, such lemon juice in the wound.

    I respect that people are trying to be comforting, and I don’t allow such comments to affect my relationship with them, but it really is a dagger to the heart.

    How about we just stop feeling the need to comment on a person’s martial status completely?

    And while we’re on the topic, dear married people, there is no need to stop the progress of a lesson that deals with marriage to try to find some correlation for single people. We can work it out on our own, and drawing attention to the fact that we’re still single (as though we had forgotten for a moment) is really just painful.

  • Alasdair Wright

    I absolutely HATE and DETEST how much sexual harassment there is in the Church. I am still a bachelor; yet, this is viewed by several ‘concerned Saints’ as being some sort of a social disease.
    Jesus Christ is still a Bachelor. His Bride is the New Jerusalem; coming down from God, out of Heaven. A look in the Book of Revelation reveals this very fact.
    I am heartily sick to death with all of this hatred directed at me. In fact, the Saints need to pull their socks up.
    If someone is single; that is their business NOT YOURS.

    • TheRock83

      Umm, you are obviously more comfortable comparing yourself to Jesus Christ than I am.

      • kkd123

        And no one knows if Jesus married or not. Just because it isn’t mentioned doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Heavenly Mother is never talked about or mentioned, but I know she exists.

    • Pie

      According to Hebrew history and tradition, a rabbi had ro be married and have children in order to be around children. So, since Jesus Christ was a jew, and a rabbi, and blessed the little children….connect the dots, la la la la!

  • http://mydoterra.com/115449 Gr8Mamaw

    Living in The South, we heart “Well, Bless your heart” All Too Often! If my heart had been blessed so often, it would never stop beating!! I don’t need no more blessings!! (not like that)

  • Cancer Free

    I struggled with the inability to have children here on earth. I am a cancer survivor, but to save my life, I had to give up the dream of a half dozen kids and being the neighborhood hangout mom. I was seriously inactive at that point and didn’t really have the closeness with the Holy Ghost. When I became active again, I received the most wonderful personal revelation. Due to circumstances with my body and mind, I realized that Heavenly Father really did know what he was doing. It just took me a long time to accept that. The revelation was, yes, I would still be a mother and my children were watching from Heaven and were cheering me on and actually the thought of them has helped me make right choices.

    I know I have been personally offensive when I was visiting a new member of the ward. I, or my VT companion, asked if she planned on having children. It turns out she had medical problems and wouldn’t be able to have any here on earth. When people at church ask me, I let them know I’m a cancer survivor and leave it at that. So, if you have a young married couple who don’t have children, don’t ask them when they are planning on starting a family. That can hurt really badly.

    • Packhorse3

      Besides that, having children is a very personal decision that is between a husband, wife, and God ONLY. It is no other person’s business. So many people asking puts undue pressure on people. You never know what people are going through, and emotional hardships can be every bit as difficult as physical hardships.

      • Heidi

        A good reminder of what Elder Andersen said in conference a few years ago. I’ve been so grateful for that talk many times since.

    • KimK

      My husband and I adopted our children but long before that happened I had a person tell me that it was really smart of us to wait to have children until we had a nice house and a boat and nice vehicles. I simply replied that I couldn’t have children. That put a stop to it with that person but there were so many other rude and insensitive comments. I think that we all have our own issues and things that we are sensitive about and we need to remember that other people aren’t always aware of those issues so we can’t hold a grudge or get our feelings hurt by the ignorance of others.

      • Lucy in OK

        Wonderful response!

  • Philip Zamora

    You ladies forgot one. How about the insulting use of the term “sweet spirit”. This should mean that someone has been gifted with compassion or kindness, and that’s exactly what it means when it appears in, say, a patriarchal blessing. Unfortunately, we’ve got this tendency to use the term “sweet spirit” to mean that someone is unattractive. I’ve always hated how some LDS members pervert the use of a great term and twist it into something wonderful into a complete disgrace.

    • Philip

      Okay, I meant to say that they twist something wonderful into a complete insult.

  • Sharon Philpot

    For years, “Have a nice day” has bugged me. Like I’d consciously choose NOT to have a nice day unless someone told me to! But the current one that puts my teeth on edge, is “I’m sorry for your loss.” Please. If that HAS to be said, elaborate a little so it doesn’t sound so trite. I know people mean well but it’s used so much now, that it really sounds superficial.

    • Trent

      Wow, sounds like you get offended too easily…

  • Sharon Hyatt Wyser

    As a happily divorced pre-senior citizen I’m happy being single again. Whenever I feel a little loneliness and self-pity, I just look around to some of the married-for-time-and-eternity couples and am thankful I’m not in their shoes. A rude and domineering husband coupled with a miserable wife who can’t speak her own mind without fear isn’t my idea of Heaven, here or in the afterlife. Some of the “eternity” couples have MAJOR problems that are hidden from view, at least temporarily.

    So please, spare me your sympathy about my martial status, I’m probably happier and more content than most. Oh, and one more thing, PLEASE don’t try to fix me up with single brethren that you wouldn’t want to be with yourself. One example, in my situation, was a disabled brother who smelled like old urine and unwashed armpits. He was mildly disabled but fully competent enough to use soap and water. He was just dirty and nasty, but apparently suitable enough for me, according to the Ward busybodies.

    Thanks, but no thanks. I’m alone and single, but definitely not desperate!

  • http://realgamersdoitonthetable.tumblr.com/ thatpandabitca

    This article is great, so delightfully sassy. :)

  • Aberpaddy

    Stop teaching lessons about forgiveness and then believing you’re the only one that ought to be forgiven. Afterall, what you did wrong wasn’t on purpose, but everyone else makes mistakes just to be mean. You are entitled to a learning curve, but everyone else should have been born perfect.

  • ahfclass

    I just wanted to thank you for posting the link to Elder Andersen’s tall, “Spiritual Whirlwinds.” There is so much that is difficult in this world, and his reminder that difficult trials make us stronger is really helpful. When there is potential to be bothered by the strange, insensitive, or unusual things people say (which admittedly have become rather commonplace in society and the Church), I try, not always successfully but I try, to reflect on this scripture: “For man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) I’m grateful Heavenly Father and Jesus are more concerned with what’s in my heart than what comes awkwardly but well-intentioned out of my mouth. Sometimes the language I speak lacks the clarity I wish I had to express my feelings and my love for others. The scriptures teach us to turn the other cheek (Matt 5:39), to not worry about the things others say (Eccl 7:21), and to not judge, with the warning that we will be judged in the same way that we judge others; that we should remove our own faults before we point to the faults of others (Matt 7:1-5). I am grateful that time and again, others have /not/ pointed out my inability to say the right thing, but have accepted what I’ve said in the spirit it was intended. We need to take care that we not “make a man an offender for a word” [or a phrase] (Isa 29:21). Sometimes it is difficult to hear what others are saying when we are going through trials, or are having a different life experience than those around us, but listening to others with love and hearing what they intend rather than what they said will make us kinder, more resilient, and more God-like.

  • js4

    Along the same vein as people who are single or childless is this one: “You need to bring that husband of yours to church!” In my mind, I’m saying something like, “No, really? If only I’d known. I’ll be sure to bring him next Sunday.” Like it was simply a matter of me giving him a ride or something.
    Others have also said, “Why doesn’t your husband come to church?” to which I respond. At the end of this, they say something like, “Oh.” and then change the subject. Seriously?! If you’re going to ask you should be honestly concerned, not just passing the time. Sadly, my husband and I would love to have actual, sincere support and concern but it just doesn’t seem to happen. Why is that? We claim to be followers of Christ, but all too often we don’t get out of our comfort zones and love people the way that we should, at least not consistently. (And yes, I say “we” because I know that this is also something that I need to work on.)
    Thank you for this article because I think we all need to take a good long look at ourselves and review areas where we do well and areas needing improvement.

  • Everydayastruggle

    Everyone has their own trials to deal with, and the very cruelest thing you can do to a brother or sister in the church is to belittle their suffering by telling them to just “put their shoulder to the wheel” and plod on. I have experienced absolute horrors from childhood molestation and rape to mental/emotional abuse from a now ex-husband, and the scars from those trials have made other parts of my life very difficult. So when people tell me to buck up and tough it out, all it does is make me want to quit. Just because someone leans a bit more heavily on the church doesn’t mean they’re automatically “lazy” or anything. When Lazarus died, even though Jesus knew he would live again, he still wept with the others. He didn’t say “Oh hush, it’s no big deal, he’ll live again”, he empathized. Yea, it’s important to get back up after our suffering, but don’t ever dismiss the pain people are in.

  • Guest

    Personal pet peeve is to hear people say in church frequently that we’re only given what we can handle..like that’s supposed to make things better somehow. I wasn’t given a special needs child because I can handle it. I wasn’t given PTSD(before the special needs child came along) and the experiences that led to it because I can handle it. We don’t have a partial God who decides, oh this person isn’t as strong as another, so I won’t give them as difficult of trials and struggles. God doesn’t give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given.

    • Becky

      Very hard to have people trying to connect with the family member that isn’t there but trying to activate the one that is! I agree.

  • infoseekrs

    Teachers who teach primary or YM/YW should NEVER point out to the class specific kids who don’t have dads in the home while teaching a Father’s Day lesson (or any other lesson on Father’s or on anything! or point out in a negative way any kid for any reason, except perhaps to point out matter-of-factly not to disrupt the class or something but not in a way that shames.) I completely understand how difficult teaching must be for the saint who has compassion and wants to diligently strive to magnify their calling and convey the message Heavenly Father wants to be conveyed through them (after all, they were called, even if substituting, by God) when there are so many opportunities for things to get awkward due to the circumstances of so many of the people being taught. But seriously, pray before you study, pray before you teach, and think before you open your mouth to speak. By all means, teach the Plan but don’t point out someone and label how they don’t fit it, especially to a child, especially when it’s not their fault, and they can’t go home and come back next time with a wardrobe change to fix it.

    • Mollie

      thank you for that response… my four children are living with me, a single mother and they are very aware that they are different, their father chose to leave. We did nothing wrong, but he chose a life of no responsibility and they are suffering, sometimes they have to be the example and put in the spotlight because of this difference in family background especially in our small town, it makes them uncomfortable and sad

  • Spencer Samuel Smith

    Talks: Don’t ever open with a joke about how you didn’t want to give a talk, or how you just prepared it last night, or give the dictionary’s definition of the topic you were given…

  • Irvin

    Just saying you shouldn’t generalize things like this because I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and or Mormon whatever and I have never blessed someones heart, I haven’t told any single saint they will get married in the afterlife, I can’t recall ever saying or hearing anyone say that Mormon celebs don’t need to serve missions, and although I can say that I have gotten into a few heated discussions on social media that’s not to say that there aren’t Mormons who haven’t. I know I haven,t addressed the last thing nor will I, I am going to say however QUIT GENERALIZING IT HURTS MORE THAN IT HELPS!

  • Maryann

    Very contentious article, leading to even more contentious comments. We need to learn to mentally “blow away the chaff” and go on about our lives. When we hang on to thoughtless comments and inwardly stew in our own bitter juices we are only hurting ourselves.

    • BeeDub

      I didn’t think the article was contentious at all. But now I’m breaking #4.

      • http://polyglotkent.com/ Kent Roper

        Bless your heart, you are breaking #4. I’ll pray for you.

  • GreyFox

    Every time #2 is spoken at me, it makes me want to poke that guy’s eye out. Sure, they mean well but it gets kinda stale when you hear it for the 1,000th time.

    • alaskan sister

      I use to tell people my spouse died in the war in heaven. After two years of not being married after my return from a mission I kept getting asked when I was going to get married! I finally replied “as soon as my boyfriend leaves his wife! funny thing, I stopped getting asked about i!!
      .

      • Heidi

        Haha! I love that response, alaskan. I was 34 before I got married, and for a long time, my mom kept saying to me specifically, “I really want some grandkids!” I finally told her, “well, I can go get you some, but I don’t think you’ll like how I do it!” She quit asking, too…

  • BeeDub

    Lord, is it I?

  • mumma kim

    Personally I liked the article and understood it’s light hearted nature. I do feel though after reading some of the comments that we could maybe all spend more time reading our scriptures and serving others and a little less tearing apart each others failures. So many of us have great intentions but we are so imperfect that we do not always come through or so tired that our words are not spoken perfectly. As a mother on Sundays there are so many people my heart desires conversing with buy runing around after young children and seemingly constant sickness its not possible and my desires are often left unfulfilled. Lets try to think of what we can do for others and not look at what others have failed to do for us. We could all be a little better :-). Just saying.

  • Shirubi

    I liked this article a lot. I just have one thing to add: not everyone is supposed to serve a mission. My dad didn’t, and that’s because the Lord had other things to do that was still his mission. He prayed about it, and him and his bishop came to the same conclusion. My dad was sad, but he knew the Lord had planned other things for him to do. Now, I’m not saying it’s okay to make an excuse and say, “Well, this singing career will be better than serving a mission”, yeah, that’s probably not a smart move. But lets just be completely honest here: do we know what God has in store for everyone? No lol. It is possible that someone could receive the confirmation that they aren’t supposed to serve a mission but rather to spread it by being an LDS music artist. Idk. I gave up a singing career to go on a mission, can’t say I’m not ever bitter some days about it, but that’s just what God had planned for me. Everyone is different. So #3 might come off a little judgmental in some cases. But I understand what is trying to be said. Don’t make excuses to not go on a mission. But, also, don’t judge someone and say they’re just making an excuse, because you don’t know what’s going on in their life and you don’t know what the Lord has told them to do… besides, if someone doesn’t serve a mission because of their own choice, they will be the ones missing out on all the blessings, so we don’t need to worry about sticking our noses into it.

  • Txan0885

    Number one isn’t a Mormon thing, it is a southern thing. At least here in Texas.

    • Ronda

      The point of saying Bless her heart is not to have an insult follow up but acknowledging, someone who has a good heart that suffers from a trial in some way..That is of southern origin I believe. I have lived North and currently South and never hear it up north. Insulting someone is always wrong no matter what anesthia you prime it with.

  • geojoanne

    I would like to add that if Donny Osmond AND his brothers had not sung their way into our hearts by sharing their music with us back in the 70’s and gone on missions instead, I, for one, would not have been introduced to the church and it’s teachings back then, and consequently, in the Lord’s time, become a member 46 years later. So yes, I believe some peoples’ missions are to share the Gospel in other ways.

    • Harrison Lapahie

      I was told by faculty and staff at BYU that if I didn’t go on a mission that I would have to deal with God for those who would have been baptized by me if I had went on a mission. I was baptized into the LDS Church from the 52th BYU Branch in 1975. Therefore, I didn’t have a home LDS Ward. I was also told by faculty and staff at BYU that it was up to me to pay for my mission. I never had the funds to go on a mission, working as a Janitor, Professor’s Assistant, and Brimhall Library Sitter, 10 to 20 hours per week, making about $2.14 per hour. I always felt guilty about not going on a mission even though I didn’t have the funds. So I was surprised when the Prophet gave a pass to Donny Osmond to not go on a mission. It also kind of hurts going to Church hearing LDS members who are on a mission, or hearing testimonies, about having their mission being paid for by the Church or by their parents. I didn’t know LDS missionaries could do that. I was told at BYU that I had to pay for my mission.

      • Megan Denson

        It is not a requirement to go on a mission, my brother ended up not going. There are other ways to serve and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty.

        • Harrison Lapahie

          I feel guilty when other LDS members say their parents help them go on a mission. Also, when I went to BYU, when I was looking for an apartment off campus, one of the owners asked if I went on a mission, I said no, so he didn’t let me rent the apartment. Yah, you’re right though, I shouldn’t feel guilty.

      • Tequitia

        “I was asked a few years ago, “Should every young man who is a member of the Church fill a mission?” And I responded with the answer the Lord has given: “Yes, every worthy young man should fill a mission.” The Lord expects it of him. And if he is not now worthy to fill a mission, then he should start at once to qualify himself.”

        “…While there is no compulsion for him to do any of these things, he should do them for his own good.” Spencer W. Kimball, “President Kimball Speaks Out on Being a Missionary” http://tinyurl.com/k4o7aoy

        • Harrison Lapahie

          Hey, I like your reply! Very inspirational!

      • DNavyBrat

        The Osmonds were on a Global Mission at the time!

        Alan Osmond was drafted into the Army, and served his two years and still shared the gospel; Military service is also a valid mission according to the Prophets.

        There were and are many who were introduced to the Church by their Familial example, and they spoke of the Church in their Interviews. ..imagine reading Tiger Beat and learning a little about their beliefs and dating! Donny was married at age 20, and there were very few countries he could have gone where he was not known…Timbucutu maybe!

        They still share their beliefs on tour even now! And maybe you should read their story before thinking they were that we’ll off! The reason they even started dining was to raise money for the 2 eldest brothers who are desf, so they could get hearing aids and go their mission’s! The rest is as they say history! The literally grew up on The Andy Williams Show… later, they actually had someone they trusted (Buisness Manger, who was also LDS) miss handle their money, and they had to start all over!

        Don’t hold a grudge against or towards anyone unless you Walk A Bit IN their shoes; because it is not all that it seems. Yes I know first hand …we went to the same Ward back when they had The Donny & Marie Show, and they still have the same fans and new fans I. Their old fans children! Every member a Missionary….no matter what you do for a living.

        • Harrison Lapahie

          Every member is a Missionary … no matter what you do for a living. I like that!

          The Osmonds use to own a complex group of apartments across the street from BYU during the 1970s. I just went over there during conference Oct 2nd – 5th, 2014, and those apartments are gone.

          I like the statement below. Should every young man who is a member of the Church fill a mission? Yes, every worthy young man should fill a mission. The Lord expects it of him. And if he is not worthy to fill a mission, then he should start at once to qualify himself. Spencer W. Kimball, my Prophet during the time I went to BYU, said, “While there is no compulsion for him to do any of these things, he should do them for his own good.”

          I was put in a position to go on a mission while I was at BYU, but I didn’t have the money. The staff and faculty at BYU told me that I should go on a mission. Donny Osmond went to BYU at the same time as I did. Wasn’t Donny told that by the faculty and staff at BYU? I would have gone if I had the money. Donny had the money. Heavenly Father will judge me, right or wrong, for not going, and for those who I did not baptized. But it’s OK, because it is in the past, and I can’t go back.

          It seems to be unfair, that someone is given a pass for not going on a mission because he was a popular well-known performer at that time across the USA, maybe the World. But it was the Prophet’s and General Authorities’ choice to say that he didn’t have to go, that his performing could be as a mission. I would think it would have made Donny a better person and gave Donny an experience that he would have cherished forever if he went on an actual mission. Donny still could have been a performer once he returned from his mission. I would show his faith.

          Those Osmond members who had special needs, I knew that. Are you saying Donny Osmond or possibly the other Osmonds did not go on a mission, was because it was to help their family members with special needs? The Osmonds were millionaires at that time who owned a home, apartment complexes, a music studio in the Orem area, and probably other things. Their parents probably had health insurance that had some coverage for their children. They were rich.

          No need for you to say, Walk in their Shoes. I will state my reason. I am a Navajo. I was raised in an apartment in the Pico-Union area of downtown Los Angeles from 1955 to 1973. We didn’t own a home. I went to BYU from 1973 to 1979. I moved back and moved out of our downtown family apartment in 1988 when I brought a townhouse in Huntington Park. Mom moved in with me in 1997 when she had a stroke, or I told Mom to. That’s when we left our home apartment, never to return. My Dad went as far as the 10th grade, my mother as far as the 3rd grade, at Ignacio Boarding School. My Dad then went to WWII to serve as a Navajo Code Talker. My parents and I lived upstairs in our downtown L.A. apartment in downtown L.A. as already stated. Downstairs, lived a member of the 18th Street gang. . Dad passed away in our downtown L.A. apartment in November 1985. Every night I had to walk through a group of Latino 18th Street gang members, about 15 kids, sometimes more, who just hanged around downstairs day and night. But they didn’t bother me, and I didn’t bother them. Shootings occurred. The L.A. police and FBI use to knock on our door to ask questions. Mom use to be pushed on the ground repeatedly just for walking home because she had to walk between the Latino gang girls who would curse her out! But Mom was stoic. She just didn’t say anything, got up and kept walking. Every time she stood up, she was knocked down again, but she kept standing up and walked between them. Dad’s character shined, similar as with Spencer W. Kimball, or Thomas S. Monson. Dad would go up to the gang kids, shake all their hands, hugged some of theme, talk to a few, would sometimes bring a gang kid upstairs and clean them up. Mom and I didn’t have that personality. BYU kids who dropped me off from BYU during Christmas times, their torso, hands, and legs, would literally “shake” as they opened up the trunk, and took out my suitcase, from the car trunk. The blonde or light-brown haired, White, BYU students were scared! They never experience dropping me off in this kind of neighborhood. I, a clean cut kid, would carry or drag my luggage from their car to my apartment through these kids, saying nothing, and enter our family apartment. That is my childhood and background.

          Therefore, at that time, being told that I should go on a mission by BYU faculty and staff, feeling the guilt, but not having the funding because I was poor, seemed unfair. I saw no realistic way for me to pay for my mission. Oh, I was converted and baptized at BYU in 1975, so I didn’t have a home Ward.

          I could say more about the Osmonds, which I experienced while living in Provo during the 1970s, but it doesn’t really serve much of a purpose. I don’t know the Osmonds personally, and I have nothing against them. They are good people. I was just stating what I think and feel about an issue that I think seems unfair in my personal case.

    • Lucy in OK

      Donny and his family were actually my missionaries in my opinion. They were my first introduction to the faith….and 40 yrs later, I’m still active in the church, all six of my kids are also active, married in the temple and (so far) 15 grandchildren being raised with the knowledge of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. So nobody can tell me Donny didn’t serve a mission. :)

  • rebecca

    The overuse of the phrase, “I know this church is true” has been a turnoff to people that I’ve brought to church, along with the arrogance of members. I wish members were more sensitive of others beliefs and where they are in their journey, or even where they have come from. “I know this church is true” to someone outside of our religion says, “If you’re not LDS you’re not going to heaven” and the overuse of the phrase loses it’s meaning after being stated over 20 times (I’ve counted) on a Sunday. Less is more.

    • Shanna

      Oh I do hope I miss understood your comment of not beating the truth of all things as we have been counseled to do. To me this comment states we should not be truthful if we might “offend” someone. I love this gospel and I KNOW IT’S TRUE with every fiber of my being. To state anything less would find me a hypocrite in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. That is a shame I could not endure.

      • rebecca

        Like I said, and I think I was pretty clear before, The phrase being constantly used loses it’s meaning after hearing it over and over. I’m not saying it offends, it makes us sound like we drank the kool-aid. Like programmed robots. We are all individuals so we shouldn’t be afraid of using our own words!!!

        • tequitia

          I’m very careful about being critical of the testimonies of others. If 20 people got up and all testified the church is true I can’t be mad at that. If this is uncomfortable for visitors then maybe that is an opportunity to explain what that means and therefore reduce any misunderstanding. I would hope that in my own church I wouldn’t have to censor my speech so that not to offend others especially if I’m being moved by the Spirit to do so. I don’t feel that is the case when I attend my non-LDS friends and family church services. I expect them to be open and free with what they believe to be true, if I disagree or am uncomfortable about it, I reconcile it in prayer. The truth is if someone doesn’t agree, no matter if I say the church is true, Joseph Smith was a prophet, the Book of Mormon is true, Thomas S. Monson is a prophet today, Jesus is real, when it comes down to it they are going to be uncomfortable and feel like an outsider. I look at it as teaching moments, talk about it.

    • Reg

      I agree. I would much prefer to hear “the gospel” is true or “I know we can find the truth here”.

  • kira

    Along with #2, you should have included “asking couples when they are going to start a family”. I struggle with infertility and every Sunday I have one or two people ask my husband and Me when we are going to start a having kids. It’s hard enough struggling with infertility in the LDS culture without having someone Ask you the same question at every ward function/meeting.

    • Dara

      I know exactly how it feels. It’s very frustrating every time I go to church and have people ask, I’m a pregnant already? We’ve been married for 4 years and we’re struggling with fertility, too. Sometimes I get tempted to skip church altogether because it ruins the mood every time I’m there and people ask me the same questions over and over again. I even wrote about it in my blog so they’ll stop bugging me.

      • Jules

        When people have made this comment to me I always ask them if they are asking about my sex life. Pretty quickly people stop asking!

    • Carly R Everett Phillips

      I agree, I am a medical situation where it just would be very hard to get and be pregnant based of what I deal with and some people in the ward get nosy and try to get me to tell them why. I am very guarded as to why. Its something my spouse accepts, understands, and my family. I am not going to bear my testimony about it though if someone did- fine that is their comfort zone, not mine.

    • Megan Denson

      I have family members that struggle with this one.

  • Deborah Crow

    i have trouble understanding how a 2 year old barely able to say momma and dadda can give their testimony. most only imitate what their parents tell them.

    • Lorraine Vaught

      I understand what you are saying. However, in our ward I have watched the testimonies of these little ones grow as each year goes by. Our children are encouraged to,share their testimonies unassisted. In the beginning they share what they have been taught….but later on you can see they finally gain their own….and use their own words. How are they going to learn if they are not given the chance to express their beliefs. I am a convert to the church and did not have the opportunity to learn everything this precious children of our Heavenly Father wants them to know. It is the responsibility of,the parents to help in this.

      • Deborah Crow

        i was referring to mom/dad feeding them what to say while on the stand. These children in my Ward at this age are not unassisted, if it were, yes, i would support but often these little ones come up, spend so much time blushing and arguing with mom/dad who hauled them up there that it isn’t appropriate during a solemn Fast & Testimony meeting. They give their testimonies in primary from what I hear.

        • Lorraine Vaught

          When I first got the current Ward it was like that. I think that the directive came from the Stake President….to have the little one share their testimonies unassisted during Fast Meeting. Have you discussed this with your Bishop, High Counselor, or the Stake President? I know I have been sent here to learn Patience. In my 70 years here on this earth…I am still learning what I need to know to return back to my Heavenly Father’s presence. My biggest challenge is patience. You have a wonderful day.

  • LeAnn

    this is so lame

  • Carly R Everett Phillips

    One of my pet peeves is when parents wont take their kids out when their little one wont settle down but carries on, being quite loud and clearly not wanting to be in the meeting. – its Ok to take them out, calm them down, show them this where we go when we cant be quiet, let them get quiet again and let the congregation have the meeting no matter which one it is. I am understanding of noise, especially in a family ward but when they get disruptive, there are speakers in the hallway if sacrament, and anyone can fill you in what you missed if gospel doctrine or what have you.

    • Megan Denson

      Oh I totally understand this one.. my 2 year old is really bad some days.. and I had to take her out a couple times in 1 meeting.. totally stressed out because it is my calling to lead sacrament songs. And she was so loud that they decided to close the doors to the chapel. She wouldn’t stop having a meltdown. Thank goodness I got my husband’s attention so I could lead the closing song..

  • chiwawa

    Great job!

  • mykiddosdaddy

    Let me add “Stop saying to couples (especially women) that are going through infertility that if they don’t have children in this life they will have them in eternity.” It does not help. I know it is well meaning, but it can make the depression that comes along with that worse.

  • DNavyBrat

    I had to pick myself off the floor from laughing! This was sooo right on it was as if you were in my head! My canned two (2) responses to the singles topic are :
    1. Yeah, he died in the War in Heaven or
    2. He, hasn’t been born yet…oh wait you just gave birth to a son. ..then I walk away! (Evil I know, but they are so thrown off they can’t speak..exist stage right..lol) :)

  • Missy

    Looking down on converts and gossiping. I would rather not go to church and be by myself at home. Life is too short for this stuff.

    • Sharon Ward Mullins

      I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. It can be tempting to stay away because of others actions but this is the very reason you are needed there. You can be a light and example to others of what NOT to do and to be a more Christ-centered example. Please don’t allow others behavior to keep you from worshiping and growing in the gospel and being about our Father’s business. He needs you and your ward needs you. Hang in there! :)